January 24

A nightmare can only be so bad, at least for me, because I always have some sort of subconscious anticipation of its end: for reality. However, upon occasion, relief doesn't come when I wake up, but the nightmare seeps into reality until there is no sleep left and I have a sort of sickening realization that I have no control over when it ends. This happened during the ice storm. It happened last night. And today I developed a weird twitch where whenever I thought of certain thoughts and I needed to avoid, I muttered stop stop stop under my breath. Just every once in a while. And I only ate a bowl of soup and six craisins. I was a crazy person today.

Also my mom was talking to me about fear. She said I was the most fearless child when I was younger. But that's not even true. And the more I thought about it, the more fears kept popping into my head. I compiled a list here:

Childhood Fears
  1. Grown-ups
  2. Teachers
  3. Talking in front of strangers
  4. Boys
  5. Older kids
  6. Horses
  7. Forgetting my homework
  8. My mom
  9. Being yelled at
  10. Throw up
  11. Quitting Horseback Riding
  12. My cat when she was hungry (not kidding)
Anyways, I did a lot of thinking about fear today, and nightmares, and how generally gross humans are. But it wasn't an entirely bad day. I enjoyed the JOMPathon more than I ever have. One girl sang and played the guitar, and her voice was so nice I actually cried a little. My mom and Emily, sitting next to me, cried also, and it was really funny that all of us were sitting together and crying. So that made me feel happy, also somebody's smile, and when Emily and I looked at pictures of ourselves back before the days of eyebrow-waxing and laughed really hard, and stories about Bea (if you're reading this Bea, I love you), and a picture of a cat. The song of the day is "Let Down" by Radiohead. It's really hard to describe this song, but I will say that sometimes when I sing along to it I feel like I'm not being respectful to the song unless I am crying, or feeling some intensely powerful emotion. And I felt really disillusioned today, and a little let down. So that's why it's the song of the day.

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