February 18

Today I learned that I need to be tougher. Also I need to learn to be unafraid to take pictures in public places. I spent the day in New York City and I didn't take any pictures despite wanting to. I was just too afraid to look like a tourist. There comes a time where your camera is so big that you don't look like a tourist but a photographer, and my camera is pretty substantial in size. However that opens up a whole different area of problems; for example, I thought maybe whipping out my SLR in the Bronx would have been a bad idea instead of a good one. I saw a lot of beauty today, and I wish I had documented it. But maybe I appreciated it more without a camera in my face. I can't figure out how the city works but I know I can if I must . And maybe I will have to next year. I don't know yet. It would probably be a good step in my goal of becoming tougher.

Today I wanted to and felt like I should have cried three different times, but the tears never came. One of the times was when we were listening to "Somebody to Love" by Queen, which is the song of the day, in the car, and I had one of those welling-ups of emotion of which I seem to be so fond. Also we spent a lot of time in the rain, and now when I turn my head to the right it sounds like there is water in my left ear. This can only mean good things.

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