August 27

Sorry about my hiatus. I misplaced my memory card, and without a picture, I couldn't bring myself to blog. It made me really distressed. Blogging has become sort of a habit for me, I've done it almost every day this year. This picture is of the top of Mt. Wachusett. I don't like how little time it takes to drive up to the summit. It completely degrades Wachusett's right to stand above humans. I remember being so upset at the tourists I encountered when I climbed Mt. Washington. There I was, in achievement of perhaps the greatest feat of my life to date, and these people were smothering my accomplishment in a cloud of exhaust from their SUVs. Mountains, in the grand scheme of things, deserve to be taller than people.

I miss my friends. It feels weird that I'm still here and I'm still hanging out with people; shouldn't I be at school already? I've been feeling more and more excited lately, and at the same time, I am really going to miss this bed. I think with every goodbye - about two a day now - I am more and more ready to leave. Today I thought I was dying. Not in a melodramatic way though, I just silently was preparing myself for the possibility of death. When I woke up I felt incredibly dizzy. This isn't too out of the ordinary for me, but when my neck started feeling stiff and in pain, paranoia encroached and I quietly convinced myself that I had contracted bacterial meningitis and was going to die. And the saddest damn thing was, during the time I was dying, which was only about an hour, I couldn't focus on anything except the fear of it all. I tried to enjoy the little life I had left, tried to pay close attention to the way my house smells or the sunlit green forest in my back yard, but my mind kept reverting back panicking over my oncoming doom. I hope that on the day I actually am dying, and no one likes to think about this, I can't help but obsess over the beauty of everything, everywhere around me. If I think about it that way, then it doesn't seem so much like something to fear.

All I listened to all day was Sufjan Stevens Christmas songs. There's nothing like Christmas in August. I don't even know what that last sentence meant. Christmas in July or June would be pretty similar to Christmas in August. Anyways, the song of the day is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" by some traditional artist, revised by Sufjan Stevens.

I'm back!

1 comment:

Emily Glick said...

That was so strange..