August 19

I have devised a scale of levels that measure excitement for college. I go through various levels in one day and all my friends are at different levels. Here is the list:

10 - Extreme excitement, intense desire to be immediately at college and away from home

9 - Very happy and excited for the future

8 - Optimistic that college will be a good experience, once situated

7 - Aware of the highs and lows of college, but overly looking forward to it

6 - In a state of acceptance, exited but recognizing worries

5 - Dealing simultaneously with rational worries and flickers of excitement

4 - Optimistic demeanor fronts internal feelings of anxiety and sadness 

3 - Worries consume thoughts, searching for positive aspects to college and finding little

2 - Morose outlook on life, possibly depressed

1 - Ultimate dread, clinically depressed, no reason to wake up in the morning

On an unrelated note, today was the first time all year I have had the pleasure of being hot and jumping into water to cool off. I'm usually just hot with no water or in water and cold. Today the lake was perfect and I felt the unburdened freedom of a day without plans, stretched out in front of me like untarnished white marble. I could do anything I want with it. Maybe it was so good because I know these days won't come around for much longer at all. It's bittersweet (I hate that word).

The song of the day is "Star Witness" by Neko Case. The falling of pieces on my chessboard of friends has begun, and I'm feeling the emptiness peering out at me from the edge of my periphery.