Monday

September 28


To the weather: My sentiments exactly. 

Today was my favorite day at Umass so far. It started out ordinarily, I went to Art History and Anthropology, which I love more each day. Then I sat out in the sun for a while and didn't do any homework. I liked my literary journal class. Every time I have that class I have an inspiration to write and create. Unfortunately I usually don't, and then it wears off until I have that class again the week after. Nobody can decide what they want the journal to look like. After that class we went to dinner and it was fun and then Alex and I and Nicole Reynolds went to the craft fair. There is a darkroom and if you pay five dollars you can use it which I was really excited about but secretly afraid a little because I don't remember how to use a darkroom/ never really completely learned. And I didn't want Alex to have to teach me because I already ask her to teach me so much and I don't know Nicole that well yet. But then I asked the girl at the desk and she said people will always be there to teach you how to use the different crafts, which makes sense, since how else does everyone learn how to make books or mosaics or leather printing. So I felt much better and excited for becoming better at photo and developing my creative potential. From the craft fair we went to the meeting for the LBGT march for Equality. I am so incredibly excited for this. There were almost thirty people at the meeting and the ones who ran it were so surprised and touched that that many people showed up. I am so inspired by the people who came to that meeting. Being around such motivated, passionate people reminded me how little I'm doing to make the world a better place. At the same time, during the meeting and after it, when I walked home in the rain with Alex and Michelle and then  ran around Butterfield with Alex taping posters for the march to the walls, I felt like I was doing more than I've done in the entire three weeks I've been here. Even being around people who are taking a stand ignites inside me the inspiration of which I so often lament the suffocation. 

The impression I took home from the meeting proves metaphorical for a lot of what I'm feeling in my life right now. I feel like I need to be more inspired and more inspirational. Like I never will be. Like I'll never be as smart or as passionate or as much of an individual or protect my beliefs by puffing out my chest in the face of their oppressors as you do. Like I'm not as captivating or enthralling or pretty or attractive or like my thoughts aren't as complex as yours and my emotions are of much less magnitude. These are my fears. But don't worry, these fears are healthy. When I was upset and I couldn't articulate why and you said sorry sorry I made you upset I told you no it was good, it was healthy. My fears only drive me to be better. I am fascinated and in love with way I someday hope to be. Sometimes I'm sad that I am not accomplishing all I want to accomplish, all that others have already achieved, but I know in the back of my heart that I will get there. It took me longer than it took you and God I don't know why I didn't get there before but I think now is as good a time as ever so I'm ready.

All my fears have a rationality to them. Like the kind of fear you know it's okay to have and that you can comfort yourself out of. I'm scared of losing my identity, or rather never finding it, because I don't think I have all of it yet. It doesn't matter from where you get your ideas and your beliefs. All that matters is that you believe what is right is really right so strongly that you could pull your car over to the side of the road and put your face on the steering wheel and cry because you believe it so strongly and you won't be happy until everyone else in the world sees what you see. Once you feel this, the ideas and the beliefs you took from other people become yours. Beliefs can't be bought or sold. Anyone can take them and keep them at will, unless you keep them for the wrong reasons, like status or sex. I hate how fleeting thoughts are. Sometimes I feel like if I don't write it down I'll forget it and it'll never come back to me.

I needed to write tonight but my somebody else has my journal so I wrote here. Sorry it's so long. I didn't come up with the following, but I love it so much, and I hope it's okay that I put it in here. Love, Phoebe.
 
If we could only find the strength to turn around
to face the horizon and not be aware of the lengths of our shadows
If we could only find our misplaced hearts and put them back into our chests and LIVE.

I believe in love.

4 comments:

jennifer said...

geeeez

Emily Glick said...

damngirl,

Andrew said...

yeah, but do you believe in life AFTER love?

I liked this entry. I like when you say things other than what you did in a day. You usually articulate such things in a fascinatingly emphatic voice.

Anonymous said...

I never comment on this usually, but this was great because it was so different. Enjoy this part of your life phoeebes.