First of all, Emily informs me that my blogging is no longer regular and thus I am a huge disappointment. She only actually said the first part of that, but the reason I haven't blogged for a number of days is because I went to Pennsylvania with Lanny, Michela, and Jen to visit Graham. I missed blogging, not because of the routine it ropes around me, but because I have done a lot of thinking in the past few days. At first my thoughts were sporadic and unorganized, but when you think the same thought processes for extended periods of time, if all goes well, they will fall into place. So now I have things to say in this blog.
I've always thought I had a pretty good idea of what traits in people I believe to be vices. Certain "mistakes" people make provoke my loss of respect. Very recently, maybe perhaps in the last week, I've completely reformed these ideas. Last night I took a shower in Graham's grandparents bathroom. Afterwards, while applying gel to my hair, it dawned on me that I have forgiven every mistake you made, and by you, I mean everyone I know. I stood facing the mirror, my hair wet and shiny and hanging in my face, and was completely aware of the fact that I, just like every other human, am capable of exhibiting these vices. If I am just as bad as everyone else, how can I inflate my own pride by condemning others for what I believe to be poor choices? I could have just as easily been the one who made that mistake. Suddenly I was connected to everyone else. People are good. I know this because recently I have been noticing that at the root of everyone's actions is a desperate, unwavering desire to avoid loneliness and find someone, anyone, who will return their love. We want so badly to find happiness but do not know where it lies, so we grope blindly through the darkness, hoping our decisions aren't ones we'll regret.
Your motives are good. Your desires are not greedy but honest. I want the same things you want. I know you feel lonely sometimes and you wonder what you did to deserve such little response from the people you love so much. I feel like that too: everyone does. But I can promise you that if you feel undeserving you are wrong. You have so much good in you. If I had my way, your goodness would be recognized every single day of your life. I hope you don't feel ashamed or regretful of your mistakes, because when you look closely, they really weren't mistakes at all.