December 17

Almost everyone around here has gone home for break. I feel like I'm the only one left in the world. There is no time. I'm staying up so late because there is no one in the world to tell me to go to sleep and no one will be affected if I wake up or not. Don't worry I know that's not true, I'm not being self-deprecating. It's just an illusion. The view outside my window is the same at nine as it is at four. I can't believe there are only a couple more hours to my semester. I just have to take one more exam and then I'm going home. I am so ready. I am so ready. My heater makes a noise that sounds like crickets. It's so peaceful.

One of the biggest regrets I have from the semester is my and seemingly everyone else here's tendency to isolate themselves from others. It seems as though we are universally suffering and yet it is somehow so much easier to retreat into ourselves, pretend to perfectly happy, pretend to be someone else. No one can know we are troubled; we have to be having more fun than everyone else. I regret this pride that quarantines us from unity with other people. I hope when we come back from break we can all stop being so selfish and focus on making other people happy, instead of desperately trying to portray ourselves as those we believe others will find most attractive. That's my biggest regret.

Song of the day is "Song of Our So-Called Friends" by Okkervil River. Tomorrow begins the end of a three month journey. How wonderful it is to be part of this crazy trip.

December 16

Don says he thinks I am good people. Somehow this means so much to me. Today I couldn't wait to go home. I can't say why, cause I don't know. I am ready for a change. I think everyone is. If you're not ready for a change, feel free to speak up. I want the way things used to feel like. But I guess I always want that.






-phoebe

December 15

Two down, one to go. Looks like the end to this week is going to be remarkably anticlimactic. Then one eighth of my college career will be over... weird. Today I took an anthropology test and I think I did really well on it. It was warm and it felt like spring and that was cruel.

Getting lost in routines this semester allowed me to metaphorically fall asleep, and the irregularities of this week are waking me up. Every night, Butterfield is so quiet; everyone has either left already or is studying quietly in their rooms. My next test isn't until Friday, so I didn't fit into either of those categories tonight, and as a result, I felt like the only person left in the world. It is so late. I am so tired. I don't even remember what I did for most of the day today. I'm sitting out in the hall and someone's door is banging on its hinges. I guess the draft from the heater in the hallway is enough to make that happen. There is no one alive in this building, I don't think. I hope someone comes out, just to prove me wrong. Tomorrow Laura is going home, so I have the room to myself. I will slowly pack my belongings until the room is stripped bare and then me and my extensions of self will leave and come back a month later. Oh also, today I made a winter playlist. It has like eighty songs.

Bedtime? Yes, for lack of other options.

December 13

Well, I stayed up entirely all too late tonight. Tomorrow I have a final at one thirty, then one on Tuesday at one thirty, and another on Friday. It seems to me like this week is gonna consist of way more free time than schoolwork time. Today I felt kind of bad but I feel good now. Mostly because Liz called me on the phone and we talked for two hours. I appreciate Liz so much. It's so good to know I have someone who genuinely cares about me, because sometimes I doubt I do. Lighting my menorah (pictured), perched on an empty makeup mirror box, in the drab stairwell, made me kind of sad. I wish I were celebrating Hannukkah at home with my family. I am so excited to go home and see what it does to me.

A year ago today was the day after the ice storm. I couldn't blog yesterday, but if I did, it would be ice-storm-anniversary-blog, because the ice storm was one of the most memorable times of my life. I remember exactly what I did today last year. I went to the Umass Med school to take a shower in the locker rooms. My mom showered in the shower next to me, and we both talked about how it was the best shower of our lives. Not because we hadn't showered in a long time, we had only been without power for a day, but because it was so warm. Then I worked on my Connecticut College essays in the library on the computer. One was 150 words and about Stella. And Lanny came and picked me up and we went to Panera. And we met Lauren there and she wore a big red sweater because she had no other clean, warm clothes. Panera, the Med School library, and Lanny's car, will always make me remember the ice storm.

Now I need to go to sleep and get through this week.

December 9

Right now is the first time I've been excited to blog in a week. For all intents and purposes, today was the first snow of the winter. What I mean by this is that today I woke up to so much snow and I got to appreciate it and enjoy it like I never have before. I woke up naturally at six o'clock this morning, and I can't describe to you how beautiful the view outside my window looked. It looks similar right now. Maybe it's the mist in the air, but the streetlights project very orange light. Everything - the sky, the ground, the snow - is all orange. Look how much orange is in this picture. I don't know why I find this so beautiful. Anyways, when I woke up for real, I put on a turtleneck and wool socks. And my new weatherproof-lace-up-black-rubber-boots-with-fur-at-the-top. And I was so warm and that was wonderful. And we trekked to the dining hall and I ate about a third of a giant waffle because, and it took me until today to realize this, giant waffles are way better in theory than in actuality. Then I played in the snow and sledded down a ten foot stretch of snowy grass even though I'm secretly afraid of sledding. And it felt so good to be outside and moving and everything was wet and cold and I was warm. And the snow woke me up and washed me down and set me free.

I just watched a movie called "Man on Wire." It's a documentary about a French man, Phillipe Petit, who tightrope walked between the Twin Towers. It was great and I heartily recommend it to anyone who wants a life wake up call. At the end of the movie, Phillipe says in his heavily-accented English, "I say live life like you are living on the edge of life." He lived like nearly no one has lived before. What am I doing to live on the edge of life? I do and see the same things every day. I am on the same path as everyone else. Sometimes, I don't even know what defines me from any other college student/ eighteen-year-old/ human. But the film gave me hope. Hope that there is so much living in front of me, and I am going to see and be part of all of it. One day, I am gonna grow wings. And so are you, whoever you are. Even if you're already like, old. You have so much life waiting for you and most likely, you're going to do what no one has ever been brave enough to attempt, ever.

Song of the day is "Breakin' the Law" by the New Pornographers. My room is ready for some kind of big holiday or something.

December 8

Wow really, December 8th? I skipped almost a week. Plus, this picture is from like four days ago. I'm finding it increasingly hard to blog these days. Mostly because I'm completely disillusioned and I can no longer write the words "today was a good day" in order to promote a comforting mood among my readers. The only thing I'm thinking about is something I can't write here. And I couldn't bring myself to pretend minor events were important enough to document the past few days. Oh I started a book about zombies. I really like it. I'm excited for break, I guess? I'm excited to have a new blog with titles and no depressing armadillo. Why did I put that armadillo there it's so sad. I think I'm on a temporary upswing but any second now it may be gone. Or maybe it will stay. Tonight is Radical Student Union. I have a little cold. Today I sneezed and for one horrifying second I thought I sneezed my nosering out. But I didn't. Okay, this blog is over. I am putting a piece of writing here on which I could have tried way harder. Sorry it's so long. You probably shouldn't even read it.

april is in four days and we have to prepare; the rain started last night and flooded the sides of the road; pooling sporadically, the pine needles weave themselves together and build roofs; remove those needles from the streets and from my body of water and flesh; we have to prepare for april. when driving, take special care to avoid the toads; they jump into the middle of the roads; your car will run over them and crush their bones and flatten their skins and you can’t take that; you can’t take killing, what is it now, four? four dead? when driving, avoid the bad dreams that stab at your windshield; that pool sporadically at the sides of the roads; to prepare for the oncoming month, we will remove the black water from the roads; scoop black water and pine needles and dirt and toads into the sewers. then the streets will be clean and we can finally start forgetting. bake muffins; plant bulbs; hang musty sweaters out to dry; write letters. go through motions and put your black clothes in the back of the closet; with the moths and the ants and the worms; the worms that pull their bodies into the middle of the roads and drown in black and blue water; get rid of them; get rid of the dirt and stains on your black clothes and sweaters; forget about january-march; april is in four days what if i don’t forget? this is how to sweep the streets clean; this is how to drive a car; you will want to watch the bright lights on the construction sights on exit 27 and when you drift into the other lane, this is how you go back; this is how you hide black clothes; this is how you hide black; forget forget if i can’t forget; this is how you hide old photographs (so you can find them again); last night the rain and this morning the streets; the green pushed through the black and blue and brown; the green found salvation just like our mother found salvation; this is how you sweep the foyer; this is how you sweep the bedroom; this is how you hide clothes you won’t need again until someone else dies; the green rain flooded our road and we can’t drive our car out; stay inside and hide and sweep and forget; i will never forget you; forget january-march and killing animals with your car in the dark in the rain on march 22 now april is in four days. four days 4 days when april is here i’ll forget where the worms come from

December 2

It's the last month of 2009. I can't believe I didn't blog yesterday. I didn't really have time and it didn't occur to me that it was December 1 and I forgot about all the faux-sentimentality I planned to attach onto it. I can't believe it's almost a new year and almost time to make new resolutions. I don't remember if I kept any of my resolutions I made last January. I wrote them down in a journal, but I hate looking at that journal now. I remember that one of my resolutions for 2009 was to write in a blog every day for a year. I guess I kind of kept it, even though my blog upkeep got pretty spotty since I came to college. But I'm really glad I can look back on these posts. Also, it's almost time to wrap up the year. I haven't really figured out what I'm gonna do in these last few weeks to celebrate a blog that essentially documented every mundane activity in which I partook for 12 months. And oh yeah, there are pictures. Wasn't that supposed to be the point in the first place?

Last night I stayed up really late with Alex, Dan, Liz, and Bethany. Me and Alex went upstairs to go to bed and climbing up the stairs we noticed, looking out onto the parking lot, that a light snow had dusted the tops of all the cars. It was so cool and magical, and only enhanced by the fact that seemingly NO ONE was awake and we felt like the only people in the world to witness the first snow of the year (not really but whatever). This morning it was gone and we felt like we had a secret that no one else had been lucky enough to be let in on. How fitting, that December 1 was the first snow. I don't give December enough credit. To me, it's the only month of the year in which winter's presence is not only appropriate, but beautiful and peaceful.

This is a call for submissions: If you are reading this, and you like writing, please submit to my zine, Auraphice! You will be published and you will feel awesome about it! We want the submissions to be handwritten, so send them to my mailing address (email me and ask for it, or look at the facebook event), but if your inexplicable hatred of sending mail is the only thing standing in the way of your submitting, than you can just email them to me (phoebe83@charter.net). RELEASE YOUR INHIBITIONS! LET YOUR BRILLIANCE SCREAM OUT FROM YOUR AURAPHICES! SUBMIT!

Oh yeah, song of the day is "Arms Against Atrophy" by Titus Andronicus. I smell an illegal substance.

November 30

Right now I'm sitting across Pat and Chris and they are watching a Youtube video of someone popping a zit. Pat just said "Okay. Putting that on my blog."

I wasn't going to blog tonight until I realized there was no reason not to. Tomorrow I get to sign up for classes for next semester but I can change it until add/ drop ends. Today I wrote a page long stream of consciousness. To be honest, I'm having trouble focusing on this entry because of the sounds from the video and Chris and Pat's occasional yelps of horror and oh wait, Chris just ran out of the room.

Apparently I'm optimistic. This makes sense because while everyone around me feels empty, I still feel pretty full, or at least I remember what that feels like. The song of the day is "Wake Up" by the Arcade Fire. Wake up is the tagline for Ellipsis, Butterfield's literary magazine. The release party is this weekend.

Children, wake up
Hold your mistake up
Before they turn the summer into dust

November 29

"Transitoning is weird" - Kathryn, today.

I agree. I kind of feel like I belong in neither my old world or my new world sometimes. But I'm happy. Today Lanny and Michela came by my house before I left, and we ended up talking mostly about things that happened to us during last year. You know, getting all nostalgic. Nostalgia makes you feel sweet and warm and sad all at the same time. It was one of the best parts of my break.

I'm glad to be back here. I realized today that when I came to college, I was so much more judgmental than I am now. I didn't give people a chance based solely on their looks or their facebook profiles. I'm glad I got rid of judgment. It wasn't funny and I thought it made me happy but it didn't.

You know what really makes me happy? Hiking. I miss hiking. I also miss my cat.

Oh, stop thinking of tomorrow
Don't stop thinking of today
You're not getting any younger
You've got nothing to explain

November 27

God help me, I saw Twilight with my cousins today. Never has so much objectification of a male body graced a film before. There were probably less vomit-inducing lines than the first Twilight, but the movie was still overall pretty shitty. That said, I won't deny I was entertained. I might have laughed like, once. I think I tried to pass it off a mocking laugh but no one believed me.

The song of the day is "Graceland" by Paul Simon. I'm going home tomorrow and I can't wait. I just want to be with my friends. All night. The last night of our lives. Or until winter break.

November 26 - Thanksgiving

Happy second-most--important-holiday of Western culture. I think the coolest thing about Thanksgiving is that pretty much everyone you know is celebrating in some form or the other on that day. It kind of brings people closer. None of us really understand why we're taking this collective break from real life to eat the same, slightly abnormal combinations of food and to see relatives for whom we normally don't make time. But we all do it anyways. Oh, culture, how interesting you are.

For anthropology I have to write a mini ethnograpy on anything I do during Thanksgiving break. It's basically transcribing an interaction I wouldn't have outside of this week, which is only abnormal because of a two hundred year long tradition (contrary to popular belief, Thanksgiving has only been around since the 1800s). Traditions are crazy things. I love being here though. My aunt and uncle's house is so cool. Me and my sister are sleeping in the dance studio (!) and today I didn't have to do anything. We watched a video of my parents wedding. It was so weird to see my parents in their twenties... some of my older relatives were my age. It made me want to be alive in the eighties. Also it made me think about weddings a lot. And how I want one like my parents'. They were so cool.

The song of the day is "Peace Train" by Cat Stevens.

November 25

Welcome to Thanksgiving. I am at my aunt and uncle's house in D.C. (actually twenty minute from D.C., in Potomac) and swallowing anything has been excrutiatingly painful all day. The two days before that too, now that I mention it. The pain in my throat is so horrible that I'm having trouble remembering anything else about this day; it commanded all my focus. I mean I must have ridden a plane at some point. And I must have gotten dressed, because I am wearing clothes. And I must have eaten, because I'm not hungry. And I must have watched Glee, because I remember what happened on Glee tonight. And I must have shown somebody my poetry book, because it is out of my backpack and on the floor right now. And I must have danced with my sister to "Little Secrets" by Passion Pit, because this picture was taken. And I must have re-broken the ice with my eleven year old cousin, because her kissy face is now the background on my phone.

Last night I slept the whole night with a cough drop in my mouth. Never do that. I won't tell you why, but you really should trust me.

I hope you get a kick out of this picture cause I did.

But I feel alive I feel it in me
up and up I keep on climbing
higher and higher and higher

November 24

My picture is not loading for some reason so I will try again tomorrow. I am home for Thanksgiving break and tomorrow I get on a plane that will take me to the D.C. area and not bring me home until mid-day Saturday. I'm kind of bummed I don't get to see my friends for longer but there is very little time between this week and winter break so I know I'll be fine. Tonight Lanny and Michela got in from New York and Liz and Steve and Lauren and I joined them at Michela's house. Driving there we listened to Why? and I had the most potent deja vu from junior year... it was weird. I haven't been to any of my friends houses in months; in the summers I went so frequently. It was just a really strange feeling. Liz and I talked about how we could imagine completely forgetting about the last three months and everything just completely returning to normal.

I would never want that to happen.

Now I have two worlds instead of just one. I act different in each but am still the same person. Spending time in each makes me appreciate the other more.

During this week, apologize to someone you hurt whether or not you meant to hurt them. Tell someone you love them if they didn't know or weren't sure. We all have those in our lives with whom we have become estranged during the past few months or years. Consider very closely if you want these once treasured relationships to continue fading or flare suddenly back to you. My piercing is almost healed.

I should also mention that you should remember the reasons for National Mourning Day. I didn't know it existed until recently, and I wish I had known sooner.

Oh yeah and love everybody, if you can.