June 14

Will is picture of the day today because he accidentally deleted all my pictures that I took yesterday. So there is no picture of the day for June 13, and there is no blog either, because I stayed over Abby's. The picture was a little girl named Lily jumping in the moon bounce. Little kids are always photogenic always. Song of the day today is "Tbtf" by Broken Social Scene.

Today I went to Liz's graduation party and decided to leave early because if I don't get more than four hours of sleep tonight I won't get up in the morning. On the way out I talked to Abby and Erin O'Donnell for a while. When I was walking to my car I felt so filled with love for both of them, even though I don't even know Erin, and for so many other people in my life right now. I also felt sad, and I didn't know why, but at the same time it made sense. Lately I've been blinded by the integrity of the people around me. I want to hold onto it forever but I know I can't and that's where the bitterness stems from. So I guess love is sadly sweet.

... Still happy :)

June 12

The song of the day is "Dark Matter" by Andrew Bird oops Andrew Bird two days in a row oh well. I finally got my iPod today, and my cat ate my leftover popcorn. There is nothing else to say.

Happy day :)

June 11

And so passes yet another day uncharacteristic of June. A rainy song for a rainy day: "Lull" by Andrew Bird. It's Kelsey's birthday today, and that is another reason why Andrew Bird should be song of the day! Emily says the length of my blog posts is overwhelming. So I will try to make this short.

A man keeps coming to our house during the day to fix our broken sliding door. It is taking him a while because he had to take the entire door out of the wall so that there was a gaping hole in the house, and then replace it. Since I do nothing but mull around my house for at least half of my days, I've begun to strike up conversations with the window man. He is very smart. He went to Umass and was an Art History major. He is sad that he couldn't pursue art because he loves it and is fascinated by the art we have in our house, particularly the collection of ocarinas on our living room table. Even though it should be a little unsettling to have a stranger sharing my house all day, I may miss him when he's gone. I hope the sun comes out tomorrow.

June 10

I'm not sure, but I think I just went to the best concert of my life. Maybe it wasn't the best concert, but I definitely enjoyed it the most. I want to know Jenny Lewis on a personal level so bad it hurts. She played every song I wanted to hear tonight. When she started "Rise Up With Fists!!!" I got teary-eyed. During the lyric, But I still believe, and I will rise up with fists, everyone put their fists in the air. The show ended with Acid Tongue, which is supremely underrated, and her whole band acted as the choir. It was transcendent. Oh she is so beautiful too! I think I will pick "Acid Tongue" for the song of the day, even though it could easily be "Jack Killed Mom," "The Charging Sky," "Handle Me With Care," "Fernando," or "Silver Lining" (which she whipped out, surprisingly, with only an acoustic guitar, and I liked this version much more than Rilo Kiley's). 

Sadly, my camera died for some reason during the show. This irks me to no end; I've been looking forward to Jenny Lewis' face being photo of the day since I bought these tickets three months ago. Ugh. It really made me angry. It made me sad too, because I thought my camera had a real problem and that I wasn't going to be able to do photo of the day anymore. I don't think I would have this blog without the photo. So I was planning my blog for tonight, and it was going to say something like, "It deeply saddens me to say that My Year in Photos won't be around anymore." Luckily I don't have to do this, and my camera is working fine, which I guess is its way of spiting me. I guess it was kind of nice to go to the show without having to take pictures, because it would definitely have taken away from the experience. I would have spent a lot of time switching my backpack around to the front or worrying that I missed such a good shot of Jenny walking over here because I couldn't get this damn lens cap off fast enough. 

I hate stubbing my toe. Not only because of the pain, but because no one cares about the pain. No one will ever feel sorry for you because you stubbed your toe, even if you cry and slowly crumple down the wall and curl up around your toe and whimper. Usually when I stub my toe I feel the need to test this fact upon random passerby:

Passerby: Are you okay?

Me: Gah! No! (gasping) I stubbed my toe!

Passerby: (interjecting) oh

Me: Ahh! EE! OH god!

Passerby: (walking away)

And she will wake up wealthy

And you will wake up forty-five

And she will wake up with baby

There but for the grace of God go I

June 9

This is what happens when you leave the camera on the deck chair with the shutter speed open for thirty seconds in the dark and pretend nothing happened. Today was a lot like yesterday in the way that I didn't do much productive, but the main difference was that my mom woke me up at nine thirty so I was unproductive while awake instead of while asleep. When I woke up the rain was coming down hard and I don't think there is any weather I would prefer to wake up to, or to fall asleep to, than steady rain. I finally have my own room back, even though it still smells like my grandmother's perfume. Whenever I am away from my own room and my own bed for a while, I realize how much I love it and how much of a luxury it is. I am going to be so homesick next year, for people at home, but also for my physical house. Rain is good. But warm rain is better, and today was very cold. The song of the day is "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver. It's a cold rain song, but even more so an ice and dirty snow. I realized that all my friends who have blogs have songs of the day. Who decided it was mandatory to have songs of the day? I'm really happy that a lot of my friends have blogs now, because it makes the whole endeavor more interesting, but I worry that some people do it even thought they don't like it. And the song of the day thing also worries me because I don't want there to be a standard format a blog has to follow. Everyone's is different, because it really should just be an organization of thoughts open for public viewing. How gracious of everyone, to share their wonderful and private thoughts.

Yesterday my aunt ordered me an iPod for graduation. I am so happy about this. I lost my iPod sometime last fall, and since then I've been using a "makeshift" one: a free Nano that my mom got from work. It only holds 4 GB (way too little). I recently lost this iPod, but I'm not even trying to find it, because I hate that damn thing. It represents the constraints that prevented me from listening to what I wanted to. Like the constraints of size, or of money, or of unattainability. I can't wait for tomorrow, I actually have things to do. 

I almost forgot to blog about my flute recital tonight. It happened. I played Syrinx, which was my favorite piece I ever played. Tim kissed me on the cheek, which was weird because he's never been really happy with a performance of mine. He always just says "Alright. Good." It doesn't bother me because I know he thinks I play well and he is just trying to get me to be better. Today he said it was beautiful. My Dave Eggers book is absolutely wonderful. He is so good I can't believe he's alive.

Come on, skinny love, just last the year.

June 8

Today was a wasted day if I've ever seen one. This is mostly because I woke up at three and stayed in my pajamas until seven. My rationalization for this is that I didn't sleep at all the night before so I was really sleeping for two nights. Still pathetic. I made a list of goals for this summer. They are not hard to obtain, they are things like "Go to Northampton," because I want to try to check everything off. Tomorrow I have a flute recital and the next day I'm going to see Jenny Lewis with Liz. So excited! My plan as of now is to kidnap Jenny Lewis with a giant bird trap. Right now I'm making a best of Bright Eyes mix, and the song of the day is "Easy/ Lucky/ Free" because it's my life at this moment. Maybe a little much on the easy though. 

I keep making to-do lists but nothing gets crossed out

June 7

I guess it's appropriate seeing as today was the first day of my official post-highschool life, but I felt summer everywhere I went today. First I woke up at Kathryn's house. Her mom made us breakfast and reminded me of the last time I slept over there. I was in second grade and it was my first all-nighter. Saori Baba was there. Then I walked the short journey back to my house, half with Jeff and half without. I didn't want to go home. The above picture is from my sister's dance show. It made me weepy to see Emily dance. She gets better every time I see her. I think what makes her such an amazing dancer is that you can see on her face all kinds of pain: physical and emotional, but she makes it beautiful. 

Tonight we went to the Dawson Rec playground because, contrary to popular belief, playgrounds are always fun always. I laughed harder tonight than I have in a long time. That's how I knew that we broke through our temporarily boring streak. We weren't having any adventures. We went to Lanny's house and Lanny put blankets on the lawn for us to lay on and under and look up at the stars that weren't actually visible at all, but it didn't matter. Kelsey just mentioned this in her blog, but I will say it again. I love my friends. And now more than ever we are showing our love and affection, to a near-ridiculous extent. This is because we feel an ominous time-stamp on all our relationships. Liz and I discussed in the car, while listening to "To Be Alone with You" bye Sufjan Stevens (songoftheday) how much we need to value honest and real relationships because we once we move into college and meet completely new people, we are going to have to start honing small-talk and hold back our true selves for a while. It is depressing to think about. I want to savor this summer as much as I can because I know I will miss it so much when it's over.

June 6

I am writing this on June 7th, but because June 6th was such an "important" day in my life, I will blog as if I am still experiencing it.

Yearlong milestone, no, actually, lifelong milestone, completed. I woke up this morning thinking nothing out of the ordinary: thoughts such as "Bed Warm" and "Hungry." After I left and returned from the graduation rehearsal, it occurred to me that maybe someone should take a picture of me, you know, because otherwise we would forget that I graduated high school and stuff. So my sister and I had a photo-shoot on the deck with my "one size fits all" cap. My sizable head is evidently not a part of all heads. 

Due to the constraints of alphabetized seating, I was seated next to a boy who was an inverse elitist. I'm not sure if this is a real term or not, but if it isn't, then I made it up to describe my neanderthal-like neighbor's presumption that, and I quote, "Smart people think they're better than everyone else n shit." I decided to be amused by his strange and slightly offensive remarks throughout the ceremony, and it proved to be a relatively easy task. The only time I started to feel any real emotional tug during the two hours was when I was standing approximately two feet from the stairs that led onstage. Suddenly I wondered if I could manage the handshake properly or if I could refrain from limping in response to my ever-increasingly painful blister. My name was called, I walked up the stairs, looked at my hands and hesitated briefly before taking my diploma, graduating from high school, and walking proudly away from my childhood.

Steve and I are making a documentary about our last summer before college, and we filmed parts of graduation. My favorite moment was probably when Steve filmed me approaching a boy I had never seen before and telling him I would never see him again. We hugged. This is going to be a Hallmark moment in our documentary. The rest of my day consisted of uncooked seafood and napping on a futon before I went to two parties. My favorite part of Kathryn's sleepover was stealing outside right before the sun came up to run around, release energy and anxiety, find an abandoned scooter and take turns riding it, and squeezing six people into Alana's tiny car and talking until the windows fogged up. 

Song of the day is "Take a Walk on the Wild Side" by Lou Reed. All in all, I'd say June 6th 2009 will make it into my memories. 

And if you want me

You better speak up 

I

won't

wait

June 5

Thanks to Andrew Cooper, I have that damn Matchbox Twenty song stuck in my head. It's better than "Graduation" though. Actually no, it's not. Tomorrow is a big event in my life and surprisingly, maybe for the first time this year, I can't thing of a damn thing I want to blog about.

Goodbye high school. I will remember select elements of you.

With our winning smiles, and us

With our catchy tunes, and us

Now we're photogenic you know,

We don't stand a chance

June 4

Why does razor rash hurt so bad? Why do Parker and Bryan look so similar? I've blogged progressively later every night this week. Tonight was the Baccalaureate and I went and said my speech. It was fun. When I stood onstage I wasn't nervous. My heart was racing, but it didn't feel bad so I knew I was excited and not afraid. I was surprised when people laughed at some parts in my speech. I didn't expect it to be funny. Afterwards everyone complimented me. I feel bad about this, but I really like this kind of experience. Is it vanity? Should I like being in the limelight less? I want to be a writer. Oh I need to stop saying that out loud. I want to write down all the nice things people said so I won't forget them, but I know that here is not the appropriate place, so maybe I'll include them in my forgotten journal. 

The only time I got choked up all night was from something touching that Matt Ritter said to me. Matt Ritter has never made me cry before and he never will again, ever. Graduation feels like a big holiday. The song of the day is "Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear.

When I started this blog, one of my principle objectives was to document important events in my life, because I knew this year would be host to a couple of them. I guess high school graduation is a pretty big deal, isn't it. The first high school graduation I went to was in freshman year, with wind ensemble. I remember deciding that when I graduated I would straighten my hair so it would look good with the cap. So that means I've been planning my graduation details for four years, and I was planning even before that. It's weird to me that this event is a couple hours out of a nondescript Saturday, but accompanying it is years of expectations and possibly years of memories. I don't know about the memories part yet, I'm not there.

When saying goodbye to people for the last time, I do this thing where I assure them that our paths will cross again. Or I say "our journey isn't finished yet." I say it with such conviction that I succeed in making the goodbye sufficiently less complicated. I don't know if I can keep doing it though; somebody might catch on that I don't actually know if it's true.

June 3

My internet just broke but I waited up for it to fix itself just so I could blog. Because there are many dependent readers who read this between the hours of one thirty and nine thirty, there is no one. While I waited, I ate a pudding. Now I regret this. I wasn't even hungry and I don't like pudding. I used to, but once my mom bought a ton of pudding in a short span of time and too much of a good thing makes for not liking pudding.

I am in a state of melancholy resulting from lack of brain stimulation. I guess this is summer? I'm bored. I'm bored of the routine I have every day: wake up late, walk around in pajamas, eventually get dressed, hang out with friends, have a little fun but not that much, come home late at night, facebook chat, blog, go upstairs and fumble around in the dark, go to sleep, do it all over again. The worst part is, when I start working, my official summer will start, and that will probably be even more boring. Little by little I am getting excited for college. I think it was the roommate search that did it. Because I found one cool person at UMass, I blindly think UMass will be chock full of cool people. There is a psych term for what I am describing here. 

Today I played in orchestra for the last time ever. I guess I should say a little about orchestra. Well, I was probably one of the worst players, but I would much rather be the dud in group of fantastically talented individuals than be the star in a group of duds. That's why I was always in the highest level math even though I secretly couldn't handle it. Actually, that's probably why I didn't want to go to UMass for so long. I just wanted to go somewhere where I could be the worst. It sounds pretty twisted when I say it like that. I will miss orchestra. I always liked going to rehearsals, even though I didn't really have any friends and I usually got bad parts. I would just sit quietly and enjoy myself thoroughly. I am good at sitting quietly. I am not afraid to be in a situation where I don't know anyone or can't make any friends. I just bring a book and reflect quietly, or watch the people around me. Sometimes I judge them and it's entertaining. But I don't like being alone for an extended period of time. 

I said "I" too many times in this post. The song of the day is "Lisztomania" by Phoenix, because it's catchy and summer-y. Is he saying rhino? I can't tell. Oh no. I had something important to do tomorrow and it just slipped my mind completely. 

The picture of the day is what is directly to my right. You may say it's un-creative, but really, it's about time this scene shows up on this blog. It really captures what I am doing every night at this time. I'm glad my grandmother and cousin are staying here but when they leave, I am going to be so happy to have my own bed back. I am sleeping on the futon on the floor of Emily's room and every morning she gets up at six and I wake up when she steps on my bed and blow-dries her hair directly above my ear. Two days ago she woke up and said "Shit." It was six forty six. Then she got up and got ready and at seven sixteen I heard her yell, "Daddy I'm ready."

June 2

Last night my internet petered out at about 12:45 a.m. I hadn't blogged yet. So I sat and stared at the computer for about fifteen minutes, ate an oatmeal cookie, and went to bed. 

Yesterday Michela and I made it to the solo and ensemble concert to see Kelsey sing without seconds to spare. We ran into the black box theatre just as she was beginning "1234." I am continually amazed by the talent of my friends and the people around me. Is it normal for high school students to do things as well or better than most adults? I finally got my copy of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius back after its being lent out for a year. It looks like it went through the washer. Or like it was chewed by a dog. I love this book. I just started You Shall Know Our Velocity, Dave Eggers' first novel. It is amazing and also heartbreaking. I'm only a little ways into it but I can already tell it's going to be depressing. Oh well, I love his writing. 

Yesterday I drove a lot. And I discovered the solution to not being able to hear the music because of the noise of the open window: turn the volume up. Thus, my perfect summer driving combination is loud music, open window, sunglasses. Now I need to take a shower to get ready for what is actually today, June 3.

June 1

I didn't know it was June until just now when I typed "May 32" into the title box. What an anticlimactic beginning to my favorite month. Today I went to Wachusett to get my speech from Mr. Weymouth. He was in a meeting so I waited in his office with Ms. Frustachi and a nondescript language teacher for a while. It was during this time that I realized the ironic pointlessness of Ms. Frustachi at Wachusett. She asked me airily, "Who is Susan Boyle?" I didn't want to explain, and I was also embarrassed that I knew, so I told her to YouTube it. This launched her into a series of giggles shared with the language teacher, to whom she proclaimed, "I got my tubes tied!" which somehow was relevant to YouTube. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. 

My mom bought craisins from Trader Joe's so today was salvaged a little. The song of the day is "Like Dylan in the Movies" by B&S. It took me forty five minutes to drive to Michela's house because they are renovating the three feet long bridge on Ball Hill, and will be doing so for the remainder of the summer. The "detour" took me into Rutland, through a cattle farm, down a dark, windy, narrow, dirt road, and into the center of Princeton, which is only about four minutes away from Ball Hill. It was aggravating, especially because I knew for the majority of the time I was driving that I was going the wrong way, but I continued still. The only part that made hanging out at Michela's (which was boring, sorry Michela) worthwhile was that I saw a porcupine sitting in the middle of the unlit dirt path posing as a "road." The porcupine undulated as he walked and it was just the cutest damn thing. I obnoxiously tried to take pictures through the window of the car, with the flash on. He didn't seem to mind that, nor the highbeams. I'm going to get a Twitter. 

I really like the people I like. If that makes sense. Sometimes I find the good parts of people when no one else does.