My Year in Photos

December 31

2009-12-31T21:09:00.000-08:00

2009 is gone and I feel like a part of me has died. Even writing this now, seems near transcendental. I've never attached as much sentimentality to a year as I have to this one and I miss it so much, already. It provoked more change in me than I have seen maybe in my entire life to date, some painful, some incredibly beautiful. If I could sum up the year in three words, perhaps they would be

mistake

movement

love

I hope every year is like this. Please read my new blog, the link is http://phoebfurr.blogspot.com/. Write to me! I love all of you. Thank you for reading this; this blog is an exposition of my mind, heart, and soul, and I feel incredibly honored that anyone would allow me the privilege of being heard. I encourage everyone who has ever felt the urge to write to do so; do not let the fear of being judged ever touch you. Never be ashamed of your mind, your passions, your creations, or your desires. My mind will forever be set on fire by the brilliance of others, and especially, by those close to me.

Here's to 2009.

on the edge
the view is clouded,
the majesty of weather
seeps through my skin:
illimitable,
and uninhibited.

December 30

2009-12-30T22:46:00.000-08:00

Another food picture today. Food is so nice-looking lately. I left my mittens in a taxi cab. They were awful mittens though, so cheaply made. I bought them standing in line at the Guggenheim because I forgot mine at the hotel and ten dollars was more than worth the relief I would get from shielding my pink and raw fingers from the bitter, biting wind. So my mittens had a lifespan of about a day and now they are in the backseat of a yellow taxicab. Maybe they were reincarnated by someone less fortunate than I although I don't think the less fortunate rides in taxi cabs. The decade will be over in less than twenty four hours and I'm waiting to feel a change in me. Today I saw Hair the musical and it was incredible and that's saying a lot because I'm not a fan of musicals or of the music in them but I was a fan of this one. One of them said he liked my nose ring he also climbed on top of me and Emily with a loin cloth on and it was fun and we went up onstage during the finale, anyone could, who wanted to, and danced around and made peace signs and lovingly touched the shoulders of the cast members but only so lovingly that they wouldn't notice we, I, were, was, touching them. The lights were so hot and bright and I was dancing on a Broadway stage and I was accomplishing a dream that I never even dreamed in the first place, it was someone else's dream. Speaking of dreams, mine are graphic, and meaningless, like one two nights ago where I had my eyes cut out of their sockets and little lines cut with a knife and outlining my mouth and my head was inflated and red, the color of a roasted pig, the kind with an apple in its mouth, except in place of an apple on my head was an ovular gash, fresh, red blood beneath, drying in the open air. One more day.

December 29

2009-12-29T20:57:00.001-08:00

I just read my blog from the entire month of August. I think August was my favorite month of this year. Good job, August. It was my favorite because it was so emotional: every emotion, rampant in me. And it was beautiful, and warm, and the end of my summer and thus my childhood. Is that too melodramatic?

In two days I'm going to post a link to my new blog here. I don't know if it can live up to this one, I don't know if I have it in me. But I will try. Also, I would like to request a favor.

The only reason I've kept up this blog every day this year, I mean the only reason, is that people read it and (I presume) like it. I've always wanted to do this, and I'm still not so certain it isn't pretentious (what is more dangerous than being pretentious?). If you are so inclined, please let me know if you've been reading or liking My Year in Photos. Like in an email or something, or a comment, or a message, or a letter, or a smoke signal, or a telepathic brainwave (the last one might not get to me). Or anything else. And you don't really have to say anything. But I'd love love love to know what you thought of it, or what it made you think while reading it. Especially if you have never told me. Also especially if I don't even know I'm writing to you! Alright that's enough talking about myself. Oh wait, that's all I've been doing for a year.

Do you know how people remember flashes or certain incidents from the past? I remember the bear cave from the Ecotarium when my mom used to take us when we were so young. I also remember the thermos she put coffee in to bring on those trips. But I don't remember anything else about them. Today I was thinking how greatly I wish that I would know, or at least have an inclination, that what I'm about to see is something I'll remember for years into the future. How much more I would pay attention!

take me back to the two days in summer
where the metal bridge in the distance
held the promise of adventure.
the rain on the highway, drowning out my senses -
no match for the swell of music, the smell of fish in the air -
was fleeting, just like that weekend.
our swords lay peaceful those nights;
taut mesh and loving resolve
kept out the mosquitoes.

December 28

2009-12-28T21:17:00.001-08:00

Right now I'm blogging from a hotel room in New York City, although it's not actually New York City but Jersey City, in a different state all together. But it really is, literally, close enough to count. Today in the car I wrote a poem and it was the fastest I ever wrote one. If you are wondering, Auraphice is in the works! Hopefully we will finish it by the time we go back to school, but I don't know. The waiter in the restaurant tonight said "Happy New Year" and that was the first time someone wished me Happy New Year 2009. But for 2010. But in 2009.

List of reasons that 2009 was great (not in any particular order):

I graduated high school. And after graduation we all went to Kathryn's house and slept over. And I went outside with a couple of people at five in the morning and we found a scooter and rode it all around the street. And then sat in the car and talked and the windows fogged up and there was so little room that I was touching like three people, just by sitting there.
I went to Florida with my family and the day after I got back, which was the last day of vacation, I went to Loren Marshall's party at her house and Jenn Naze and Leah Barwise sang and played guitar and it was so beautiful. Then Kelsey drove me home and I remember thinking that it was the first day of the year that felt truly like summer and also that Kelsey was my favorite new friend I found in a long time.
I stopped being afraid to take pictures in public, with strangers around. I also became generally disinterested with the judgments of strangers, which is a good thing I think.
I went to Toronto for a band trip and it was so fun and I made friends with Will, who was probably my best friend in the world, but only four days. I miss that, but like I always say, wonderful and transient friendships are so wonderful in part because they are transient.
One time at the lake Michela rode a kayak and I held onto the edge and told her a really long story about something that hasn't even happened yet. And also that day, Liz and I sang the Rilo Kiley lyric "Somedays, they last longer than others/ but this day by the lake went too fast" while laying on top of surf boards, in the lake, in the sun.
I skinny-dipped.
The whole first week of college.
In California, we stayed at a tiny inn on the coast of San Francisco that was so beautiful and that made me think of Ireland even though I'd never been to Ireland. The next day one of the cooks offered to drive us up a steep hill to the next trail head. He was twenty years old and a surfer. He reminded me of someone I met the year before.
I kissed all my friends cause I love them.
I had a realization of sorts when I visited Graham in Pennsylvania. The realization was in the bathroom, and it was that I could suddenly imagine myself in the position of everyone who I believed to have wronged me. If you try this, it becomes very easy to forgive. It is also very humbling. We are all people, all searching, and all deserving of finding what we are looking for.

Sorry this was so long, I got carried away. It was fun. I loved 2009.

December 27

2009-12-27T23:04:00.000-08:00

Today I went to Boston. I hate when I miss opportunities to take good pictures, especially because potd on the fourth-to-last day of the year is this dumb green horse. Taken out of context it's kinda cool though (like why is there a green horse in my house). Anyway, I have a headache that's been plaguing me almost all day. Tomorrow I'm going to New York City with my family. We're seeing Hair, which I'm told features a lot of naked people.

Since I spent the whole day shopping, my mind is kind of blank. Do you know the feeling? So instead of writing more, here's a poem.

The Pink Flamingo State

tinted windows are my last defense against the

pink flamingo state of disillusionment

sometimes I see an armadillo resting on the sawgrass

or the wrappers from the nestlé crunch of the masses

littering the edges of the interstate

the high noon heat in the everglades melts away first my dignity,

then my empathy

two three where was i? i saw a phone number on a bench

i called it for sex but instead, I got the underbelly of a

scarred manatee, hungry and licking the dripdropdrip of a garden hose;

or was that a garden snake?

we drop old bread through the slits in the walls and see

seventy kinds of fish desperately watch it:

dissolving in air, infinitesimal in water

December 26

2009-12-26T22:53:00.000-08:00

I probably should dedicate this entry to Liz for not only being my best friend this year, but also for being my model. I probably took more pictures of her than anyone else! I have been feeling so happy lately. I feel like I got through something really substantial, though I don't know what it was, and now I can rest easy. A new beginning is coming very soon, if you'll pardon the cliche.

Today Parker put a really exciting idea in my head. He wants to go through a program that sends volunteers to organic farms anywhere in the country next summer. He said he needed someone to go with and I got so electrified and we looked online and found this amazing farm in Carmel, California. I'd only go for a couple weeks but reading the farm's web page I found myself feeling an inherent need to do this. It seems like something so pure and honest and as of late, working outside and seeing new and beautiful views of the world is what I crave. So much excitement for the future today - how motivating.

If you haven't already noticed, I attach a great deal of meaning to the ends and beginnings of years. That's why I started this blog though - I guess I wanted to chronicle the progression of the year, and of seasons, and of change in myself. I feel like I should wrap up this chronicle now, but I don't even think I can put into words the difference I feel in myself from the beginning of this year to the end. I've seen so much more, not all beautiful. I did see a lot of beauty, though, thanks for that.

Song of the day is "Calendar Girl" by Stars.

All through the winter, I'm alive

December 25 - Christmas

2009-12-25T22:06:00.000-08:00

Today is Christmas and it didn't feel too unordinary for me. I went to Boston with my family to visit my twenty-three year old cousin who lives in a house in Cambridge that makes me eagerly anticipate my out-of-dorm days. She is living an awesome life. We went to the movies and saw Up in the Air - which was fantastic, I highly recommend it - and then to a Japanese restaurant where I had to cook my own food on the stove built into the table. If I were a restaurant critic, I would give this restaurant an A for chic atmosphere and charming and good-looking wait staff, but a lesser grade for my dinner, which was essentially boiled meat and vegetables. And since the boiling was up to me, it was boiled meat and extremely soggy vegetables. And two pieces of overcooked tofu. Do you know what overcooked tofu feels like? I'll tell you, it feels like something entirely inedible. Note to self: do not follow Japanese-chef-career-path.

I got the idea for this picture from my photography book I bought yesterday. It's not a very good example of the technique, but essentially, you throw your camera as the shutter opens. Crazy, I know, but cool. I'd recommend securing the camera strap around your neck. There are six more days in 2009. I guess now that Christmas is over everyone's gonna move onto the next distraction, which is New Years', so time to start jotting down my resolutions. Why is it that people can only make a list of ways in which to better themselves once a year, on a certain day? Maybe we should do this everyday. Maybe one of my New Years' resolutions will be to make new resolutions every day. Maybe I should stop blogging and go to bed.

I will miss this blog so much when the year's over. I hope it will be missed among others as well.

Break my arms around the one I love

December 24

2009-12-24T22:38:00.001-08:00

Today I renewed a passion of mine that has been withering lately: photography. At Borders I bought a photography book that I've wanted for a long time and have never bought because it was too expensive. Today I was reading it in the store and it made me want to take pictures so badly and I remembered being really passionate about photography and wanting to learn so much more about it. For some reason, I haven't been taking many pictures at all the last few months, and I'm starting to miss it. So I finally bought the book. Because I realized that this blog has really forced me to take pictures and document this year. Next year, I need some incentive, or else something really important to me which I could possibly become really good at will start collecting dust on my bookshelf. Also today, I made Ramen noodles for the first time. Verdict: entirely too salty.

Oh yeah it's Christmas Eve! I almost forgot, mostly because today was absolutely not at all out of the ordinary. Yeah, so I guess tomorrow's like the most imortant day of the year for a lot of people. In my world, Christmas is a day of isolation and disillusionment. It feels so odd to be completely estranged from everyone besides my family. Isn't it weird how winter and winter holidays bring back so many memories? Winter is the most nostalgic time of the year; that's why it snows in winter. Nostalgia is snowy.

When the sun welcomes us in
and the Earth's protective skin
falls and peels back, face to chin
then we start it all again

December 23

2009-12-23T23:47:00.000-08:00

Today was a wasted day for all intents and purposes; this is because I spent it sitting at a desk for ten hours and answering phones for the HoneyBaked Ham Company in Framingham. Everything about my day was either depressing or funny. For example, the mass of people who came to the store to pick up their "special" HoneyBaked Hams mostly looked and acted the same. They were all middle aged to elderly, all white, all preparing for a massive celebration of materialism and excess, and all had a peculiarly strong affinity for cheesy potatoes. This was the depressing part. The funny part was Stephanie, the thirty year old black woman who answered the phone next to me, talked like she was either rather sleepy or on a heavy dose of narcotics, and routinely cursed out the manager, company, or effectually her life as a whole. Wow, that sounds incredibly depressing when I write it here, but I promise, Stephanie made me laugh a lot today. If nothing else (overlooking my paycheck), what I gained from my temporary job at HoneyBaked is a true appreciation for what education will allow me to do. That is, it will allow me to stay far, far away from the nickel-and-dime hell-hole world of indifference, mediocrity, perpetual slumber, and big ol' Christmas hams. Merry Christmas everyone!

This year will be over in a week - strange to think about. I personally don't feel like anything's ending. Quite the opposite, in fact.

December 22

2009-12-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

You know how all tragic heroes have one fatal flaw? In the end, if it turns out that I was a tragic hero this whole time, my fatal flaw would probably be pudding. Pudding is a harmful to me, and I have learned and re-learned this fact many times. Yet somehow, despite the consequences, I am seemingly brought down by pudding time after time. I cannot resist it, and it always betrays me. This will be my downfall.

In other news, I just got back from going to New York City and coming home with Lanny and Michela. It was so fun! I didn't even realize the extent that I missed my friends. I'm so glad I'm spending a month here. On the way home, we listened and screamed along to music that I can only best describe as "shit music." Shit music in the sense that we all are made extremely happy to hear any of it. Steve describes a certain form of laughing as producing tremors long after the fact. I have a few of these tremors now. For example, every time I think of Lanny's interpretation of a Jewel song. My friends!

Tomorrow I have a one-day job at a honeyed ham store. That is not a joke, as far as I know. To be honest, I can't really describe how I got this job, what I will be doing, and why I agreed to it. Actually, I will make money, something that I don't see too often these days, so I guess that's the answer to the third part. I have to wake up at five thirty. I haven't woken up before eight in four months.

....This is gonna be fun!

December 21

2009-12-22T19:51:00.000-08:00

New York Awesome.

December 20

2009-12-20T21:13:00.000-08:00

I still remember, fervently, the year when I kept my parka zipped to the collar, all through the day. And the walk between buildings; between days, I walked between the eyes and legs of others and no one saw me. Invisible to the naked eye, I was a microbe, orbiting, around the transitory. I remember when she whispered in my near-deaf ear that she was starving herself. They was eating her food, they were growing stronger and meaner and fatter and she was putting safety pins on the hems of her polos and pushing her hair out of her eyes. I guess I had noticed those polos, and the safety pins, and the brand names sewn onto the breast pockets but I never thought to look at the skin underneath, and to see how much was left. You told me facts and woke me up, broke me up. Between pencil sketches of the fantastic, you scribbled in cursive what you always knew as true and what took me one year, from one March to the next, to see. Walking home in the snow, feeling the corners of my world thaw and crack, I was on to something.

December 18

2009-12-18T22:26:00.001-08:00

I'm home! It's wonderful! I have a new bed; it's queen size! This is like at least four times as good as my college bed. I've already started to make a lists of projects to do in the next month. One pertains to the mini camcorder my dad gave me for Hanukkah tonight. Oh man, so much excitement here. I love living rooms. I think what I missed most at college is living rooms. And cars. And my cat. This is the best bed I've ever felt. Today was fun. Both times I had to take an art history exam this semester I learned so much about art history. That class was so worth it. I think I was delirious on anticipation of relief even before I took my exam. Walking to Thompson, Dan and I kept singing Ruben Studdard (sp?)'s "Sorry 2004." Why anyone would release a single with a forgettable year in the title is beyond me. It makes the song completely irrelevant in any other year besdies 2004, overlooking the fact that it was already irrelevant then. Anyways, this entire concept was so incredibly hilarious to me all day, and I don't know why. I guess I don't really have a stream of coherent thoughts right now. I want to write poetry. Monday I am going to New York. I'm going to visit Mr. Tarmey! Okay I should go to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to get things done for once.

I wonder if people would like if I ever put some of my (real) writing up here.

December 17

2009-12-18T01:01:00.000-08:00

Almost everyone around here has gone home for break. I feel like I'm the only one left in the world. There is no time. I'm staying up so late because there is no one in the world to tell me to go to sleep and no one will be affected if I wake up or not. Don't worry I know that's not true, I'm not being self-deprecating. It's just an illusion. The view outside my window is the same at nine as it is at four. I can't believe there are only a couple more hours to my semester. I just have to take one more exam and then I'm going home. I am so ready. I am so ready. My heater makes a noise that sounds like crickets. It's so peaceful.

One of the biggest regrets I have from the semester is my and seemingly everyone else here's tendency to isolate themselves from others. It seems as though we are universally suffering and yet it is somehow so much easier to retreat into ourselves, pretend to perfectly happy, pretend to be someone else. No one can know we are troubled; we have to be having more fun than everyone else. I regret this pride that quarantines us from unity with other people. I hope when we come back from break we can all stop being so selfish and focus on making other people happy, instead of desperately trying to portray ourselves as those we believe others will find most attractive. That's my biggest regret.

Song of the day is "Song of Our So-Called Friends" by Okkervil River. Tomorrow begins the end of a three month journey. How wonderful it is to be part of this crazy trip.

December 16

2009-12-16T23:46:00.000-08:00

Don says he thinks I am good people. Somehow this means so much to me. Today I couldn't wait to go home. I can't say why, cause I don't know. I am ready for a change. I think everyone is. If you're not ready for a change, feel free to speak up. I want the way things used to feel like. But I guess I always want that.

-phoebe

December 15

2009-12-16T01:14:00.001-08:00

Two down, one to go. Looks like the end to this week is going to be remarkably anticlimactic. Then one eighth of my college career will be over... weird. Today I took an anthropology test and I think I did really well on it. It was warm and it felt like spring and that was cruel.

Getting lost in routines this semester allowed me to metaphorically fall asleep, and the irregularities of this week are waking me up. Every night, Butterfield is so quiet; everyone has either left already or is studying quietly in their rooms. My next test isn't until Friday, so I didn't fit into either of those categories tonight, and as a result, I felt like the only person left in the world. It is so late. I am so tired. I don't even remember what I did for most of the day today. I'm sitting out in the hall and someone's door is banging on its hinges. I guess the draft from the heater in the hallway is enough to make that happen. There is no one alive in this building, I don't think. I hope someone comes out, just to prove me wrong. Tomorrow Laura is going home, so I have the room to myself. I will slowly pack my belongings until the room is stripped bare and then me and my extensions of self will leave and come back a month later. Oh also, today I made a winter playlist. It has like eighty songs.

Bedtime? Yes, for lack of other options.

December 13

2009-12-14T00:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I stayed up entirely all too late tonight. Tomorrow I have a final at one thirty, then one on Tuesday at one thirty, and another on Friday. It seems to me like this week is gonna consist of way more free time than schoolwork time. Today I felt kind of bad but I feel good now. Mostly because Liz called me on the phone and we talked for two hours. I appreciate Liz so much. It's so good to know I have someone who genuinely cares about me, because sometimes I doubt I do. Lighting my menorah (pictured), perched on an empty makeup mirror box, in the drab stairwell, made me kind of sad. I wish I were celebrating Hannukkah at home with my family. I am so excited to go home and see what it does to me.

A year ago today was the day after the ice storm. I couldn't blog yesterday, but if I did, it would be ice-storm-anniversary-blog, because the ice storm was one of the most memorable times of my life. I remember exactly what I did today last year. I went to the Umass Med school to take a shower in the locker rooms. My mom showered in the shower next to me, and we both talked about how it was the best shower of our lives. Not because we hadn't showered in a long time, we had only been without power for a day, but because it was so warm. Then I worked on my Connecticut College essays in the library on the computer. One was 150 words and about Stella. And Lanny came and picked me up and we went to Panera. And we met Lauren there and she wore a big red sweater because she had no other clean, warm clothes. Panera, the Med School library, and Lanny's car, will always make me remember the ice storm.

Now I need to go to sleep and get through this week.

December 9

2009-12-09T22:52:00.001-08:00

Right now is the first time I've been excited to blog in a week. For all intents and purposes, today was the first snow of the winter. What I mean by this is that today I woke up to so much snow and I got to appreciate it and enjoy it like I never have before. I woke up naturally at six o'clock this morning, and I can't describe to you how beautiful the view outside my window looked. It looks similar right now. Maybe it's the mist in the air, but the streetlights project very orange light. Everything - the sky, the ground, the snow - is all orange. Look how much orange is in this picture. I don't know why I find this so beautiful. Anyways, when I woke up for real, I put on a turtleneck and wool socks. And my new weatherproof-lace-up-black-rubber-boots-with-fur-at-the-top. And I was so warm and that was wonderful. And we trekked to the dining hall and I ate about a third of a giant waffle because, and it took me until today to realize this, giant waffles are way better in theory than in actuality. Then I played in the snow and sledded down a ten foot stretch of snowy grass even though I'm secretly afraid of sledding. And it felt so good to be outside and moving and everything was wet and cold and I was warm. And the snow woke me up and washed me down and set me free.

I just watched a movie called "Man on Wire." It's a documentary about a French man, Phillipe Petit, who tightrope walked between the Twin Towers. It was great and I heartily recommend it to anyone who wants a life wake up call. At the end of the movie, Phillipe says in his heavily-accented English, "I say live life like you are living on the edge of life." He lived like nearly no one has lived before. What am I doing to live on the edge of life? I do and see the same things every day. I am on the same path as everyone else. Sometimes, I don't even know what defines me from any other college student/ eighteen-year-old/ human. But the film gave me hope. Hope that there is so much living in front of me, and I am going to see and be part of all of it. One day, I am gonna grow wings. And so are you, whoever you are. Even if you're already like, old. You have so much life waiting for you and most likely, you're going to do what no one has ever been brave enough to attempt, ever.

Song of the day is "Breakin' the Law" by the New Pornographers. My room is ready for some kind of big holiday or something.

December 8

2009-12-08T10:39:00.001-08:00

Wow really, December 8th? I skipped almost a week. Plus, this picture is from like four days ago. I'm finding it increasingly hard to blog these days. Mostly because I'm completely disillusioned and I can no longer write the words "today was a good day" in order to promote a comforting mood among my readers. The only thing I'm thinking about is something I can't write here. And I couldn't bring myself to pretend minor events were important enough to document the past few days. Oh I started a book about zombies. I really like it. I'm excited for break, I guess? I'm excited to have a new blog with titles and no depressing armadillo. Why did I put that armadillo there it's so sad. I think I'm on a temporary upswing but any second now it may be gone. Or maybe it will stay. Tonight is Radical Student Union. I have a little cold. Today I sneezed and for one horrifying second I thought I sneezed my nosering out. But I didn't. Okay, this blog is over. I am putting a piece of writing here on which I could have tried way harder. Sorry it's so long. You probably shouldn't even read it.

april is in four days and we have to prepare; the rain started last night and flooded the sides of the road; pooling sporadically, the pine needles weave themselves together and build roofs; remove those needles from the streets and from my body of water and flesh; we have to prepare for april. when driving, take special care to avoid the toads; they jump into the middle of the roads; your car will run over them and crush their bones and flatten their skins and you can’t take that; you can’t take killing, what is it now, four? four dead? when driving, avoid the bad dreams that stab at your windshield; that pool sporadically at the sides of the roads; to prepare for the oncoming month, we will remove the black water from the roads; scoop black water and pine needles and dirt and toads into the sewers. then the streets will be clean and we can finally start forgetting. bake muffins; plant bulbs; hang musty sweaters out to dry; write letters. go through motions and put your black clothes in the back of the closet; with the moths and the ants and the worms; the worms that pull their bodies into the middle of the roads and drown in black and blue water; get rid of them; get rid of the dirt and stains on your black clothes and sweaters; forget about january-march; april is in four days what if i don’t forget? this is how to sweep the streets clean; this is how to drive a car; you will want to watch the bright lights on the construction sights on exit 27 and when you drift into the other lane, this is how you go back; this is how you hide black clothes; this is how you hide black; forget forget if i can’t forget; this is how you hide old photographs (so you can find them again); last night the rain and this morning the streets; the green pushed through the black and blue and brown; the green found salvation just like our mother found salvation; this is how you sweep the foyer; this is how you sweep the bedroom; this is how you hide clothes you won’t need again until someone else dies; the green rain flooded our road and we can’t drive our car out; stay inside and hide and sweep and forget; i will never forget you; forget january-march and killing animals with your car in the dark in the rain on march 22 now april is in four days. four days 4 days when april is here i’ll forget where the worms come from

December 2

2009-12-02T22:13:00.001-08:00

It's the last month of 2009. I can't believe I didn't blog yesterday. I didn't really have time and it didn't occur to me that it was December 1 and I forgot about all the faux-sentimentality I planned to attach onto it. I can't believe it's almost a new year and almost time to make new resolutions. I don't remember if I kept any of my resolutions I made last January. I wrote them down in a journal, but I hate looking at that journal now. I remember that one of my resolutions for 2009 was to write in a blog every day for a year. I guess I kind of kept it, even though my blog upkeep got pretty spotty since I came to college. But I'm really glad I can look back on these posts. Also, it's almost time to wrap up the year. I haven't really figured out what I'm gonna do in these last few weeks to celebrate a blog that essentially documented every mundane activity in which I partook for 12 months. And oh yeah, there are pictures. Wasn't that supposed to be the point in the first place?

Last night I stayed up really late with Alex, Dan, Liz, and Bethany. Me and Alex went upstairs to go to bed and climbing up the stairs we noticed, looking out onto the parking lot, that a light snow had dusted the tops of all the cars. It was so cool and magical, and only enhanced by the fact that seemingly NO ONE was awake and we felt like the only people in the world to witness the first snow of the year (not really but whatever). This morning it was gone and we felt like we had a secret that no one else had been lucky enough to be let in on. How fitting, that December 1 was the first snow. I don't give December enough credit. To me, it's the only month of the year in which winter's presence is not only appropriate, but beautiful and peaceful.

This is a call for submissions: If you are reading this, and you like writing, please submit to my zine, Auraphice! You will be published and you will feel awesome about it! We want the submissions to be handwritten, so send them to my mailing address (email me and ask for it, or look at the facebook event), but if your inexplicable hatred of sending mail is the only thing standing in the way of your submitting, than you can just email them to me (phoebe83@charter.net). RELEASE YOUR INHIBITIONS! LET YOUR BRILLIANCE SCREAM OUT FROM YOUR AURAPHICES! SUBMIT!

Oh yeah, song of the day is "Arms Against Atrophy" by Titus Andronicus. I smell an illegal substance.

November 30

2009-11-30T23:15:00.001-08:00

Right now I'm sitting across Pat and Chris and they are watching a Youtube video of someone popping a zit. Pat just said "Okay. Putting that on my blog."

I wasn't going to blog tonight until I realized there was no reason not to. Tomorrow I get to sign up for classes for next semester but I can change it until add/ drop ends. Today I wrote a page long stream of consciousness. To be honest, I'm having trouble focusing on this entry because of the sounds from the video and Chris and Pat's occasional yelps of horror and oh wait, Chris just ran out of the room.

Apparently I'm optimistic. This makes sense because while everyone around me feels empty, I still feel pretty full, or at least I remember what that feels like. The song of the day is "Wake Up" by the Arcade Fire. Wake up is the tagline for Ellipsis, Butterfield's literary magazine. The release party is this weekend.

Children, wake up
Hold your mistake up
Before they turn the summer into dust

November 29

2009-11-29T21:36:00.001-08:00

"Transitoning is weird" - Kathryn, today.

I agree. I kind of feel like I belong in neither my old world or my new world sometimes. But I'm happy. Today Lanny and Michela came by my house before I left, and we ended up talking mostly about things that happened to us during last year. You know, getting all nostalgic. Nostalgia makes you feel sweet and warm and sad all at the same time. It was one of the best parts of my break.

I'm glad to be back here. I realized today that when I came to college, I was so much more judgmental than I am now. I didn't give people a chance based solely on their looks or their facebook profiles. I'm glad I got rid of judgment. It wasn't funny and I thought it made me happy but it didn't.

You know what really makes me happy? Hiking. I miss hiking. I also miss my cat.

Oh, stop thinking of tomorrow
Don't stop thinking of today
You're not getting any younger
You've got nothing to explain

November 27

2009-11-27T20:57:00.001-08:00

God help me, I saw Twilight with my cousins today. Never has so much objectification of a male body graced a film before. There were probably less vomit-inducing lines than the first Twilight, but the movie was still overall pretty shitty. That said, I won't deny I was entertained. I might have laughed like, once. I think I tried to pass it off a mocking laugh but no one believed me.

The song of the day is "Graceland" by Paul Simon. I'm going home tomorrow and I can't wait. I just want to be with my friends. All night. The last night of our lives. Or until winter break.

November 26 - Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T22:06:00.001-08:00

Happy second-most--important-holiday of Western culture. I think the coolest thing about Thanksgiving is that pretty much everyone you know is celebrating in some form or the other on that day. It kind of brings people closer. None of us really understand why we're taking this collective break from real life to eat the same, slightly abnormal combinations of food and to see relatives for whom we normally don't make time. But we all do it anyways. Oh, culture, how interesting you are.

For anthropology I have to write a mini ethnograpy on anything I do during Thanksgiving break. It's basically transcribing an interaction I wouldn't have outside of this week, which is only abnormal because of a two hundred year long tradition (contrary to popular belief, Thanksgiving has only been around since the 1800s). Traditions are crazy things. I love being here though. My aunt and uncle's house is so cool. Me and my sister are sleeping in the dance studio (!) and today I didn't have to do anything. We watched a video of my parents wedding. It was so weird to see my parents in their twenties... some of my older relatives were my age. It made me want to be alive in the eighties. Also it made me think about weddings a lot. And how I want one like my parents'. They were so cool.

The song of the day is "Peace Train" by Cat Stevens.

November 25

2009-11-25T20:45:00.001-08:00

Welcome to Thanksgiving. I am at my aunt and uncle's house in D.C. (actually twenty minute from D.C., in Potomac) and swallowing anything has been excrutiatingly painful all day. The two days before that too, now that I mention it. The pain in my throat is so horrible that I'm having trouble remembering anything else about this day; it commanded all my focus. I mean I must have ridden a plane at some point. And I must have gotten dressed, because I am wearing clothes. And I must have eaten, because I'm not hungry. And I must have watched Glee, because I remember what happened on Glee tonight. And I must have shown somebody my poetry book, because it is out of my backpack and on the floor right now. And I must have danced with my sister to "Little Secrets" by Passion Pit, because this picture was taken. And I must have re-broken the ice with my eleven year old cousin, because her kissy face is now the background on my phone.

Last night I slept the whole night with a cough drop in my mouth. Never do that. I won't tell you why, but you really should trust me.

I hope you get a kick out of this picture cause I did.

But I feel alive I feel it in me
up and up I keep on climbing
higher and higher and higher

November 24

2009-11-24T23:45:00.001-08:00

My picture is not loading for some reason so I will try again tomorrow. I am home for Thanksgiving break and tomorrow I get on a plane that will take me to the D.C. area and not bring me home until mid-day Saturday. I'm kind of bummed I don't get to see my friends for longer but there is very little time between this week and winter break so I know I'll be fine. Tonight Lanny and Michela got in from New York and Liz and Steve and Lauren and I joined them at Michela's house. Driving there we listened to Why? and I had the most potent deja vu from junior year... it was weird. I haven't been to any of my friends houses in months; in the summers I went so frequently. It was just a really strange feeling. Liz and I talked about how we could imagine completely forgetting about the last three months and everything just completely returning to normal.

I would never want that to happen.

Now I have two worlds instead of just one. I act different in each but am still the same person. Spending time in each makes me appreciate the other more.

During this week, apologize to someone you hurt whether or not you meant to hurt them. Tell someone you love them if they didn't know or weren't sure. We all have those in our lives with whom we have become estranged during the past few months or years. Consider very closely if you want these once treasured relationships to continue fading or flare suddenly back to you. My piercing is almost healed.

I should also mention that you should remember the reasons for National Mourning Day. I didn't know it existed until recently, and I wish I had known sooner.

Oh yeah and love everybody, if you can.

November 22

2009-11-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

To clean my piercing, I have to soak my face in a bowl of water for five minutes, twice a day. If you can't imagine what this looks like, I will help you. It looks pathetic. And degrading. And somewhat akin to an eleven year old being bullied at summer camp. However, it feels really good. I can't really look at anything other than the bottom of the bowl, so I usually close my eyes and think about things. It's during these bi-daily five minute intervals that I now engage in deep thinking, actively overhear phone conversations, write poetry, schedule my upcoming week, wonder about what kind of drama I will enounter over Thanksgiving break, wonder why there is so much drama in Butterfield, wonder why drama connotes high school while in reality it follows the average person into their late seventies, and remember my dreams.

This weekend was so fun, mostly because Liz and Steve came to visit last night. They make me laugh so much! I forgot what it was like to spend a night with people with whom I have had more than three months to form relationships. It made me all the more excited for Thanksgiving, which I anticipate feeling extremely short-lived. I can't believe so much time has gone by since I've been here. Also, the year is almost over. Weird. I was pretty accurate in my prediction that 2009 was going to be one of the most tumultuous years of my life to date.

The song of the day is "Turtle Island" by Beach House. I have two more days until I get to go home and see our new oven, which I'm pretty sure is what my mother believes to be my incentive for going home, judging by the amount of text message alerts she's sent me concerning it. Today she sent me a picture with a caption that I thought was so funny (perhaps because of my unhealthy obsession with my cat) that I want to share it here.

"Emily studies history by osmosis and Stella is along for the ride"

November 18

2009-11-18T22:44:00.001-08:00

I am really tired...

Observations of the day:

1) A fly takes a remarkably short time to find an empty yogurt cup.
2) Faux fur is everywhere.
3) There are only so many ways to make tofu more exciting than tofu.
4) Helena Bonham-Carter is awesome in like, every way.
5) Banks suck, especially if you live in 1930.
6) The Dewey Decimal system is first: confusing; second: fun.
7) Music can make you walk faster, depending on the count.
8) Kafka was probably gay.
9) Tea makes you feel good.
10) Don says the best reason to get a tattoo is if you've never really considered it before.

The song of the day is "Train in Vain" by the Clash. My mom emailed me a picture of my cat in a box. It's adorable. Thanks Mom!

November 17

2009-11-17T21:26:00.000-08:00

Today is Tuesday and Tuesday is the best day of the week because we have Radical Student Union meetings. Today we talked about actually I don't even want to say what we talked about but I should just say that the energy of being there makes me so ridiculously happy and optimistic. After the meeting was over Alex, Dan, Chris and I walked across campus to the dining hall and I noticed that we got there remarkably fast. All our paces were so quickened in our excitement. Our conversation was lively and we kept laughing at things that weren't in all honesty very funny. I don't know how, but RSU keeps us alive a little.

Another good part of my day was falling in a pile of leaves and rolling over from my side to my other side with my legs extended up in the air. I have a huge paper to write for Thursday that I haven't started. But it's okay, I'm going to get an A (my cockiness has yet to fail me, but I suspect this has more to do with the fact that I go to Umass than my actual intellect). In Astronomy, I wrote a poem inspired by the Grapes of Wrath. Today while we were sitting in the lounge Pat wrote a whole blog entry about me. I've never been the focus of someone's blog entry before. It was sweet and funny. The song of the day is that new Beach House single, I forget the name.

Sometimes I get nervous I'm not passionate enough about shit.

November 16

2009-11-16T23:28:00.001-08:00

This is the only picture I took today. Today was about ten years better than yesterday. I don't know why I feel like years is the best increment of measure there, but you know what I mean. I definitely downplayed how unhappy I was yesterday. It's really hard not to be completely vague here. Sometimes blogging feels empty. Pretty much everyone I talk to reads my blog. Anyways, in the spirit of not revealing any details whatsoever about my life today, the morning held so much promise. The sun was so strong and the breakthrough on the sparkly concrete was long overdue. I don't know though. Somethin's still missin'.

Right now I'm listening to Vassar College independent radio, courtesy of Zach. So many songs I like! Also, I just laid outside on blankets to watch the meteor shower. I only saw one big meteor, but it was so worth it. Kind of like a shooting star only it strung behind it a yellow streak of fire that singed in the sky before dissolving. It was incredible.

Me and Alex have a friend named Dean who we've only ever seen coincidentally at the dining hall on a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. He might not exist outside of the dining hall. But I really enjoy having lunch with him. I got a replacement phone today. Unfortunately, I fell back into the routine of having a phone almost immediately. Someday, mark my words, I'm going to have no cell phone. And I'm going to be happier.

Song of the day is "Gigantic" by the Pixies. Pinky promises today

November 15

2009-11-15T17:39:00.000-08:00

Ahh man. I'm getting ready for a break. Aka Thanksgiving. Various forces are making it occasionally difficult to be here. That said, I had a really fun weekend. Tomorrow I get a replacement cell phone in the mail! Hallelujah. No cell phone = reduced contact with other humans. Depressing, but that's the way it is. I'm kind of in a melancholy mood and that's why this blog sounds like I'm really sad. I'm not that sad. Just really disillusioned.

November's halfway over. If you're reading this and you planned to submit something to Auraphice (our zine), you should do it, if you haven't already. You should write something right now, and put it in an envelope, or put something you've already written in an envelope. And send it to me. Thank you. We really only have about fifteen more days of fall. I don't know anyone who considers December fall. Today was so warm and beautiful. It reminded me of spring, which is a cruel trick by nature. I must have seasonal depression. Winter sends me into ennui before it even starts. Time to pretend to do homework.

Song of the day is "Lullabies" by Defiance, Ohio.

November 14

2009-11-15T17:38:00.001-08:00

November 11

2009-11-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

This is a note Nicole Reynolds left on my door for me this weekend. She also taped a tiny flower to the door. I put the flower on my desk shelf, next to an assortment of unrelated objects I've been collecting: a whistle in the shape of a bear, a tiny plastic dragon, a metrocard, a Magic Hat bottlecap, and three colored erasers. Today was the best day of my week so far. Alex is back! And tonight we cooked dinner and ate it in the lounge. There were just ten of us and we dressed up. I made up identities for everyone, like the teenage son with gender identity issues and the middle-aged aunt who never got married and everyone secretly knows why. Everyone started acting in character which was fun, except I could only play along so much because I was the cat. Pat did most of the cooking and he made these honeyed pears with brie cheese in the middle. Those were probably the classiest part of the night.

Today I rescued two stink bugs. I'm sick of stink bugs. Are they going to go away once it's winter? The song of the day is "She's Losing it" by Belle and Sebastian because I played it in my room and danced around by myself. The trumpet part reminds me of Liz and Steve. My friend Lauren made an interesting analogy. I was telling her how I lost my phone and she had lost hers too recently. She said that losing your phone is kind of like being kidnapped and held by a captor. And at first you're terrified and hate your situation and think your captor is a monster but as time goes by you recognize the humanness of your captor and eventually develop an affinity for them. This struck me as a relevant yet extremely obscure comparison to losing one's phone.

Break my arms around the one I love
And be forgiven by the time my lover comes
Break my arms around my love

November 10

2009-11-11T08:08:00.001-08:00

I meant to blog yesterday night but my internet wasn't working. Right now it's morning and someone keeps setting off the alarm. Yesterday was a really good day mostly because so many separate events occurred. Dan and I woke up early (9) and took a bus to the Smith college art Museum. We had to pick two paintings to compare for our art history paper. It was absolutely wonderful to be in a museum and I was totally unexpecting that Smith had so many paintings by extremely renowned artists, like Monet and Picasso. Then we took the bus back and were pleasantly surprised at the remarkable lack of complications the morning presented. I went to my other classes and later (oh damn, I guess this is just a "what I did today blog") went to a Radical Student Union meeting. I love this club. I can't even describe it. Each meeting usually takes a really long time to get going and when we start we don't even have anything to talk about. What makes it so good is the people. They're all so intelligent and passionate. It's good to find a club I actually feel like I belong in.

Also we went to a Gatsby party in Van Meter (other dorm) really late at night. It was so fun! I found myself lamenting the fact that meeting so many new people yesterday was a relatively foreign experience. I'm in college. I should be meeting new people everyday. It's so easy to just get stuck in Butterfield where the community is so close-knit (this should not pose only positive connotations). Its gets pretty depressing sometimes. But I don't think it will be like this as much from now on.

Yeah, that was a play-by-play blog. Sorry. I'm not really feeling reflective since I just woke up. You know what though? Yesterday, on the bus to Smith, this girl sitting in front of me said, "Hey look an owl!" and I looked and there was just this huge owl sitting on a tree branch. So cool/weird.

November 9

2009-11-09T22:30:00.001-08:00

Today was the most beautiful day in a very long time. I sat outside in the woods with Pat when it got dark and we just talked. It wasn't very far in the woods, just up the little hill on the side of Butterfield and back into the trees a little. It was very peaceful and beautiful back there. We were high up enough to look out and see Butterfield all lit up, and behind it, the rest of the campus and then the mountains. We talked a little bit about being lonely and how everyone feels it at college, at least on some occasions. Some people feel it more than others. Ah, lonliness. What is even worse than lonliness. Not much. But all in all, today was a really good one.

Getting better is so much superior to getting worse. I'm pretty much over my sickness, which is really relieving. There are so many people here who are really sick. An absurd number of people in our dorm have swine flu. At least they don't have swan flu... yet. Oh I left my laptop charger at home, so I have to either bum off other people or just let my computer die. It's great, because I don't have a phone either, so now I can be almost completely cut off from technology and the outside world. It's like I'm doing this to myself on purpose.

I hope I do a better job figuring out alarm clocks tomorrow.

November 4

2009-11-04T22:09:00.001-08:00

We just had a bonfire (an extremely generous term) to celebrate Guy Fox day, which we all admittedly know about only because of V for Vendetta. Brian Snell (pictured) organized it and gave a speech, which was pretty awesome.

Two important things happened to me today. First, I left my cell phone on a bus. Then I got off the bus, and the bus drove away. Bye cell phone. I found another bus and asked the driver what I would have to do to get my phone back. He told me a number to call, which I found ironic, but I didn't share this with the driver because of my general skepticism of bus-driver senses of humor. The second important thing was that I'm really sick. It came at me out of nowhere, but earlier today, by the time I made it up the hill after going to both classes, meeting with a TA and with my English advisor, I was hacking and wheezing and in grave danger of asphyxiation. I went up to my room and took a nap, after which I woke up and had a fever. "Awesome!" as I would say to trigger my sister's rather morbid enjoyment of my pain. Having a fever sucks. It makes everything seem way worse than it is. I.e. being afraid that your organs are combusting. Anyways, I took advil and now the fever is gone. If I'm not sick tomorrow I'll be convinced the whole thing was a dream.

I'm constantly trying out new scenarios in my head in which I find a solution to washing my hair. Yes, washing my hair is a problem. I don't want to do it anymore. The only solutions I've come up with so far are dreadlocks and shaving my head, neither of which I can pull off. Something interesting happened. My alarm clock has been an hour slow since the spring, when I never changed it after daylight savings time. Now, since another daylight savings has passed, the clock is right again!

Song of the day is "High and Dry" by Radiohead.

November 3

2009-11-03T22:51:00.001-08:00

Before I took this picture I took one of a stink bug. But I had to delete it because I can't get the memory of crushing one to death with my body, in my bed, out of my head, and it creeps me the hell out. Today I went to the Radical Student Union meeting. It was pretty cool. I love days where the dining hall has cranberry sauce. Apparently it is Thanksgiving about once a week around here.

I NEED TO CLEAN MY ROOM. I just danced in the basement for like half an hour. My neck is really sore but not from dancing, from sleeping weird. I wore my new Belle and Sebastian shirt today. And I wrote a poem about my least favorite state. My English class was cancelled and Alex found a copy of the Bhagavad Gita on the ground outside Hasbrouck. I am jealous.

I guess I'm in this state where my mind can't produce anything other than unrelated sentences strung together clumsily. I am constantly bothered by the fact that if questioned to produce an interesting fact about myself, the first thing that perpetually comes to mind is my body's utter lack of capability to throw up. What a sad existence I must lead, if that is my most interesting factoid.

The song of the day is "Either Way" by Wilco. Oh also, I am sometimes called "the other phoebe."

November 2

2009-11-02T22:38:00.000-08:00

Since I last blogged:

1) I chipped my front tooth by biting a pen
2) The sun started rising an hour earlier
3) I thought about piercing my nose but then didn't
4) I got an A on my huge art history paper
5) I received three packages in the mail
6) I wrote a rhyming poem (it's bad)
7) Halloween happened
8) I watched an awesome vampire movie called Let the Right One In
9) I saved two stink bugs
10) Other

Sometimes I read my blog from when I first started blogging. Almost a year has gone by, and my life has changed so much. Last January, I was really bored. Every day was the same. It's weird to think how everything - my relationships, my interests, and even my writing - has changed in just ten months.

November is Rotten Month. The colorful optimism of fall has passed and now the leaves are brown on the ground and soon they will decompose. Winter is seeping through the corners like water surrounding a sponge. I wish I could equate winter with more than stillness, dimness, and lulls. At least there is sledding.

nice tooth

October 28

2009-10-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

Why is it that whenever I try to write and produce something deliberately, I can't come up with anything? Today I bought three tiny moleskin notebooks for writing. As I sat down in the dining hall with the notebook open and my green pen in hand, I was shocked and horrified to realize that the sole poetic thought in my head was a mental image of the ducks from the duck pond, sitting on the sodden earth in an effort to escape their overflowing pond. The only time I come up with someone I'm somewhat proud of is when I'm least expecting it. I'm afraid having my moleskin notebook with me will be a subconcsious reminder that I'm not unexpecting. Oh well. I've learned that you can't force good writing.

Aside from the moleskin notebooks, I bought an umbrella today, and Barack Obama gave me seven hundred and fifty dollars. Don't ask me to explain why. Also, the conjunctivitis has traveled into my other eye. Somebody asked me if I had been crying, and someone else asked if I was high. No to both of those, but thank you for the concern. While I waited in the waiting room of University Health Services (for an hour and a half, but now is not the time for complaints) a nurse walked by and told me she liked my rainboots. She had a pretty face and her eyebrows were meticulously groomed. She wore a cylindrical hat with colorful fake jewels on it. From underneath the hat peered out grey fuzzy hairs. They looked so soft; I imagine they felt like baby hair. They weren't grey because she was old, but because all the color had faded away and the grey was all that was left.

Today I got two poems in the mail from Erin O'Donnell, for my zine. Any day you recieve free poetry in the mail from Erin O'Donnell is a good day. They are wonderful.

I'm sick of hearing myself complain about my writing

October 27

2009-10-27T23:23:00.001-07:00

I have conjunctivitis. It's awful and people keep asking me what's wrong with my eye. The worst part about it is I know how it feels when someone around you has something wrong with their eye. You just wonder how it got like that and you want to ask them. One time in seventh grade Mr. Matys came back from a three day absence with one really bloodshot eye. Like, there was really something wrong with it. On the same day he wore an orange spotted tie with a brown plaid shirt. And I remember Amanda Jonaitis whispering to me, "I wonder if his eye is blind so now he can't match his clothes."

I am so much happier at college now than I was a month ago. And I never would have expected it then. I feel like ever since we made "The List," I am feeling so much more fulfilled. I'm not even doing it on purpose, but so much stuff on the list has already been checked off. My Indie Publishing book says that you should publisize your book on your internet blog, so I will publicize my zine here. It's called Auraphice and it's going to be released in December, hopefully. Pretty much everyone who reads this zine was invited to submit via facebook, unless they don't have a facebook. Alex and I both got so electrified with excitement as soon as we started putting this thing into action. Alex designed the cover and I wrote the "manifesto" (title in the works) for the insert. We already got a submisson. It's from Nicole Reynolds, she lives down the hall from me, and it's a beautiful poem. I just want to make zines my whole life. Write and collect other people's writing.

I can understand why one would hate Umass. There is not too much going on here. However, there is as Alex put it "so much potential energy." It is really easy to make something happen, the resources are all here. And I'm starting to think I would so much rather be the driving force behind a movement rather than just participate in one. So much more rewarding. So that's why I love Umass, and why I feel like great things are coming my way. Starting with Auraphice! Submit!

Oh yeah and this week I'm trying to have an adventure every day. Sunday we went to Northampton. Every time I go to Northampton my mood gets enhanced. Yesterday we started working on the zine. Today was bad for the most part because I had conjunctivitis and then I missed the LGBT meeting and it was raining and my room smells weird. But then it got much better because I stayed up till two talking to my friends, and I realize I appreciate them so much and talking to them has made me learn more than all my classes have so far. Well, in different ways I guess. But anyways, that's my adventure for the day, even though it's kind of a cheap excuse for an adventure. Tomorrow is packed with adventures. First of all, I'm going to eat breakfast at the dining hall. And have tea. Speaking of breakfast, today I had a cinnabon that tasted like whiskey. Then I might go to the career center and try to get a job for next summer. And then I might (I keep in the might to guard myself from falling short of expectations) go to Salvation Army. So that's like THREE adventures!

Song of the day is "Jacksonville" by Sufjan Stevens cause I heard someone playing it really loud inside the People's Market after the doors were shut and locked.

All that said, I can't wait to see all of you again. You know who you are.

October 22

2009-10-22T22:31:00.001-07:00

I thought it was really important that this be photo of the day, for obvious reasons. It felt really nice to have no work today. I wrote a lot of poetry. I think I'm getting the hang of it; I guess it no longer feels unnatural. A boy named Eliot came to my Antro discussion and he had never been there before. He talked more than the rest of the class combined (usually the discussions consist of our TA presenting interrogations to a generally mute group of disinterested upperclassmen), which inspired me to talk more. It's sad when people have no desire to learn, and this kind of people make up my discussion section. From Anthro I went to the dining hall and Eliot asked if he could sit with me. He asked me if the discussion was usually that quiet and I told him it was usually quieter. Then we pretty much continued what we were talking about in the section and it was a very stimulating conversation. Eliot is a senior and he is going to work for the government. Sucks for him, I guess. I better not be in a entry level class like this one when I'm a senior. By that time, I hope everyone I'm surrounded by desperately wants to soak up any knowledge they possibly can.

In my Lit class, my teacher presented the extremely fuzzy prompt of "take five minutes and write whatever's on your mind and then you'll have to read it out loud go." It was awesome. I wrote about bugs. It reminded me of how much I miss having an actual English class, you know, where you write and stuff. But the reason the exercise was so awesome is because most, if not all the people in the class were uncomfortable with reading their private thoughts out loud, and without time to revise or structure their pieces the way they would seem most interesting or charming, they really were private stills of everyone's thoughts. In ten sentences, one can very easily paint an accurate picture of personality and innermost desires. Maybe I'm being dramatic. I'm excited for Art History tomorrow.

October 21

2009-10-21T23:35:00.001-07:00

This picture wasn't intended to be crooked but I kind of like it this way. I'm always amazed when I see the geese and ducks in the pond because isn't the water so cold? Especially because they're naked. But it wasn't so cold today. It was arguably the perfect temperature. Uh oh I'm segwaying into weather talk that's boring. Oh well, anyways, today it was like low sixties, and I was thinking if it was August that temperature would be an outrage, way too cold, fall is coming too early this year, etc. Today it was wonderful. My room smells really good right now cause I left the window open all day and the nature got in. I shouldn't say that, it reminds me of the bug. The bug. Ueehhh.

Oh my art history midterm is done! I am so relieved. Also, somewhere in the process of heavily studying all week, I decided I completely love this class. I'm going to be so glad I took it and got through it, if I do get through it.

The song of the day is "Listening to Otis Redding at Home During Christmas" by Okkervil River. If I imagine people reading my blog while I'm writing, no words come out. It's weird.

With your hand inside my pocket, you whispered in my ear,

"We have come from ugliness to find some refuge here."

October 20

2009-10-20T23:05:00.001-07:00

I'm happy today. We spiced up the monotony of our weekdays by studying for our huge art history midterm in a coffee shop aproximately ten minutes from our dorm. It made studying legitimately fun. I just went outside to watch the meteor shower. I didn't see any meteors.

With my lightning bolts a-glowing

I can see where I am going

October 18

2009-10-18T22:19:00.001-07:00

This shoe is picture of the day cause it's the best shoe ever and I bought it off my sister. She bought it at the thrift store for two dollars and fifty cents and I'm paying her forty dollars for it. Hm. For some reason I drew circles all over the palm side of my hand with purple pen and I keep looking down at it and thinking I have boils. Today we had started a Butterfield Radical Reading Circle. There's only seven of us, not including our RA, and we decided on three short stories for next week. It's kind of cool because it's an excuse to force your friends to read your favorite books/ stories. Afterwards, Alex Dan Pat and I decided we wanted to start our own club for radical thoughts. There weren't any concrete objectives for the club and every time we tried to verbally explain it it was a different thing. The best I can do now is that we will decide on a mission statement, and have a series of very vague goals. We wanted it to be an exclusive club but that opened up a whole new can of worms. I just want my mind to be constantly probed by other people. Then we wrote a list of things we wanted to do and it was three pages long. Here are some random samples from the compiled list:

Buy a ten dollar marker

Be athletically fit

Make agrobombs (look it up)

Kiss your friends

Be a vegan for a week

Go on a road trip

Write poetry

Rent a videocamera and make a film

Be naked in a nonsexual way

Eliminate insecurity

Make our own rootbeer

No longer take any medication

Aimlessly wander until we find a place that hasn't been found by anyone before

I should stop now before my sample gets too long. This morning it was snowing like crazy in Holden. The snowflakes were big intimidating chips. Right now I'm in the lounge and a girl named Tori is listening to some rap music that keeps saying "Outta Control!" and has really loud synths. I think I'm gonna go read over the list again and then go to bed.

October 17

2009-10-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

I don't have my memory card or my connector cable; I have my camera, but it's virtually useless without the other two objects. Point is, I can't take any pictures this weekend so I can't blog, that is until I realized I actually can blog without a picture. It's allowed. This is my first time blogging on my picture-of-the-day blog with no picture. I feel like a criminal. I'm home this weekend and it's really nice/ strange. Nice because it's extremely comfortable in every sense of the word. Strange because being here makes me miss the life associated with this place. I don't really feel its absense too strongly while at school. Today I went to the Worcester Panera to have lunch with Abi Wilson. It was good to talk to someone from home while at home, but also sad because Abi is sad. But being there reminded me of... I guess the whole previous year. I texted Lanny to tell him I was there and his response was "Homesick=]". I really liked that text. I wish I had some kind of text archive or text hall of fame so I could save this one. I guess I liked it because it really should have had a sad emoticon, since being homesick is generally sad, but he and I both knew that this kind of homesick is a sort of touching nostalgia in which yeah, you miss all the good, and you know you won't ever fully have it again, but the fact that it happened is enough that you'll never be sad it's gone. Do you know what I mean?

I also saw two movies this weekend. The first: Where the Wild Things Are, was more deserving than Rotten Tomatoes gave it credit for, I thought. It did a better job of capturing what it actually feels like to be a kid than any kids movie I've maybe ever seen. The second: Capitalism, a Love Story, released my inner anarchist. That's not really the effect Michael Moore wanted to unleash on me but I'm sure he'd be completely understanding. Tonight I felt like none of my friends existed because I knew I couldn't talk to any of them because they were all drunk. Which reminded me of listening to the National in junior year and wondering if I'd ever be "falling out of touch with all my/ friends are somewhere getting wasted." And somehow identifying with this line even though I was very much in touch with my friends and pretty much none of us had ever experienced getting wasted. The National would have understood Lanny's text message.

Sorry I disobeyed all the rules of my own blog. I'm going to try to blog every day this week. Really. I can't wait till the end of this year so I can have a new blog, mostly because I can make up titles.

You know what, I think I will put up a picture.

Falling out of touch with all my

friends are somewhere getting wasted

hope they're staying glued together,

I have arms for them

October 14

2009-10-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

If you're wondering what this is, well, it's a bag of cookies. Except the cookies were completely crushed up because they stuck to the pan and Laura had to peel them out piece by piece. Their fragmented structure had no effect on the taste however, they were delicious. I decided tomorrow is going to be the first day of my diet. I don't feel like I need to lose weight necessarily, I just only noticed today how I'm developing the utterly fatal mentality of "food in sight eat it." Today for lunch I ate a giant waffle. Just ate the whole thing. And I realized somewhere halfway into it that a giant waffle, made on the waffle iron, is just thermal energy added to goopy flesh-colored liquid with the consistency of glue. Yeah lunch! I'm hungry.

I'm about halfway done with my monster art history paper, but the second half will be harder, so I guess that makes me less than half done. Oh well, I've conquered most of my self-doubts at this point and embraced the mindset that I'm going to get an A and I am. I am. Tomorrow morning Pat is having a "Pancake Pollooza" in the lounge. Hmm... I guess my diet will start after breakfast.

Today I had an anthropology exam and I think I did okay on it. The song of the day is "The Calculation" by Regina Spektor. I like her new album now. What is poetry. Somebody give me a clue. I'm not creative. Everything I write is either contrived or just a string of random images. So frustrating. Why can't I just write nonfiction.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

October 12

2009-10-12T22:42:00.001-07:00

Laura returned from her weekend spent at home with a string of plastic jack-o-lantern lights. They will join our string of non-functional shell lights in the quest to make our room the oddest mix of odds and ends and culture clash in Butterfield. I'm considering buying some green fake spiderwebs and using it to cover the furniture. Happy early Halloween!

This weekend was fantastic. Four great things happened. First the rally on campus on Thursday, then Liz came to visit, then I went to Washington D.C. to march for LGBT equality, and tonight I saw Regina Spektor. A lot of little great things happened too, but mostly during the time span of one of those four. Tonight my friend Dan said something that made me feel really hopeful. I've been in a severe writing slump lately - feeling like writing will never again come easily to me. He asked, "If you couldn't write, would you die?" My first instinct was to say of course I wouldn't die, my life would simply be much dimmer. But then I realized that dim life is not life enough for me, so if I couldn't write, which is the the only thing I want to be good at, I would die. Hope ensued from this realization because since I know I wasn't born to die, I must have been born to write.

This week I have to crank out what is possibly the most daunting paper I've ever written: a 7-12 page paper, independent of three annotated sketches, for Art History. I'm simultaneously terrified and enthralled by it, since it seems like it will be fascinating, and dare I say fun, to write. I also met another Phoebe this weekend and this fact is important because I totally downplayed the novelty and the sheer enjoyment I took in calling someone else by my own name. I've never met a Phoebe before, except for one that was a bulldog. She draws monsters in a little notebook. The person, not the bulldog.

Song of the day (I haven't done this in a while) is "In the Flowers" by Animal Collective. I have a feeling I'm going to be happy to see the end to this week.

October 10

2009-10-12T22:33:00.001-07:00

October 9

2009-10-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

October 8

2009-10-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

This isn't my picture, it's Alex's. But I really wanted to post a picture of the rally and I didn't take any. My first rallying experience; I truly loved it. It made me feel so much more impassioned on something about which I already though I was passionate. A bunch of kids from Butterfield joined us when we were marching around campus. Joe says "Justice is the only thing I'll yell about." Liz is coming to visit tomorrow(today)! I can't wait to see her. My room is so, so, so clean.

October 7

2009-10-07T22:29:00.001-07:00

A short, nonsensical poem I wrote while walking to "Literary Classics on Film:"

Four o'clock air, pregnant with storm

A mole on the sidewalk,

Recently deceased with its eyelids closed and

its pink velvet star reaching up to the stratus

Tightrope walker

Toes curled, head held high

Holds in one hand a mandolin

In the other:

Tri-colored pasta for mother.

Oh and the picture is of my door, and no, I did not draw any of those cats. I guess I am known for the same types of things here as I was in high school.

October 6

2009-10-07T22:25:00.001-07:00

I had every intention to blog today, but when I was getting ready to bed I had to go take care of Alex cause she was sick. Everyone needs someone to take care of them when they're sick. Especially at college because moms are so foreign to the college world. So I filled in. And Alex said I would make a good mom which is weird cause I don't really have nurturing instincts, but when someone you care about is sick, it's weird, it like spurs a gut reaction in which you're a temporary mother/ nurse and you run down to the second floor to ask Kelsey, who you've never met before, to borrow a thermometer to check what you already know is true. If I get sick at college, somebody better take care of me, or else I'm teleporting my mother.

This was a good day!

October 5

2009-10-05T22:59:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been failing lately as a regular blogger, haven't I. Since I've last blogged, all that happened is that I still can't write poetry. That's not true, a lot more happened. My weekend was tumultuous. I think my favorite part of college is late-night conversations. Mostly just with two people.

I have done more self-reflecting in the four weeks I've been here than in the rest of my life combined.

This weekend is the march on D.C. Tonight I went to the fifth planning meeting and became really touched by personal anecdotes of a lot of the people there. I'm really becoming attached to this cause, even though I didn't have much to go on beforehand other then my basic instinct that a person's sexuality is wholly controlled by them, and cannot take away from their person as a whole. The leaders of the meeting were encouraging everyone there to speak at the rally on campus this Thursday, especially the newcomers. They say a person who speaks in front of a crowd and says "This is my first time doing this, I'm really scared, but that's how important this cause is to me" can have a much more powerful affect than a seasoned protester. We'll see about that. It's not the public speaking that scares me, it's that I don't think I know enough about what I'd be defending. We'll see.

I wrote a short story! And I bought two zines! I like Amherst. Right now I am in the lounge and I feel like there is no one else in the world besides me. It's so late and I need sleep but I do homework approximately at the rate that a sloth crosses a street.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4oNReBV_Mw

September 31

2009-10-01T00:16:00.000-07:00

I just typed a whole sentence in stream of conciousness and then realized it was just really bad writing masquerading under the facade of that literary device. I am so tired though, I can't write right now. Today I bought food, so nobody freak out that I'm dying. Then I was inspired to clean my dorm room and it looks perfect. Everything is becoming dusty though. I want to buy a duster, but I am wondering, what do you do with your dusty duster after you dust?

So tired thoughts don't make coherent sense. I ate so much food tonight. Oh and we are still watching Little Doritt in my Literary Classics on Film class. I am actually enjoying it though, which surprises me. Today I interspersed watching the film with reading a portion of a book that was about how anarchy trumps over hierarchy. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things.

But now I gotta close em'.

September 29

2009-09-29T21:59:00.001-07:00

I think I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday. Even though I wasn't necessary feeling bad yesterday, just thoughtful. I'm excited for the weekend because there's a lot going on. Every night I sit out in the hall on the computer so I don't disturb Laura and I've kind of gained the reputation of being the hallway computer girl. Jake from down the hall often comes down and contemplates my predicament in a very humorous way. Tonight he sat down and we talked for about half an hour. He told me about how much he loves cats and the day he had to put his second cat down, he got the cat high, then fed it ice cream. I asked how you get a cat high and he said you blow the smoke into its ears. I thought the story was sweet in a strange and slightly morbid way. Actually it's seeming more morbid now that I'm writing it here. Oh well, Jake has good intentions; that much is clear. I can feel a sickness coming on and I'm dreading it. I hope I'm not sick for this Friday because we're having an open mic night and I think I might sing and MAYBE play guitar. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just sing. Either way, it'll depend on how scared of the prospect I am at the time, and whether or not I'm sick. If I don't buy food tomorrow I'm gonna die of starvation. Dan just came to say hi! We're talking about love.

September 28

2009-09-28T23:15:00.001-07:00

To the weather: My sentiments exactly.

Today was my favorite day at Umass so far. It started out ordinarily, I went to Art History and Anthropology, which I love more each day. Then I sat out in the sun for a while and didn't do any homework. I liked my literary journal class. Every time I have that class I have an inspiration to write and create. Unfortunately I usually don't, and then it wears off until I have that class again the week after. Nobody can decide what they want the journal to look like. After that class we went to dinner and it was fun and then Alex and I and Nicole Reynolds went to the craft fair. There is a darkroom and if you pay five dollars you can use it which I was really excited about but secretly afraid a little because I don't remember how to use a darkroom/ never really completely learned. And I didn't want Alex to have to teach me because I already ask her to teach me so much and I don't know Nicole that well yet. But then I asked the girl at the desk and she said people will always be there to teach you how to use the different crafts, which makes sense, since how else does everyone learn how to make books or mosaics or leather printing. So I felt much better and excited for becoming better at photo and developing my creative potential. From the craft fair we went to the meeting for the LBGT march for Equality. I am so incredibly excited for this. There were almost thirty people at the meeting and the ones who ran it were so surprised and touched that that many people showed up. I am so inspired by the people who came to that meeting. Being around such motivated, passionate people reminded me how little I'm doing to make the world a better place. At the same time, during the meeting and after it, when I walked home in the rain with Alex and Michelle and then ran around Butterfield with Alex taping posters for the march to the walls, I felt like I was doing more than I've done in the entire three weeks I've been here. Even being around people who are taking a stand ignites inside me the inspiration of which I so often lament the suffocation.

The impression I took home from the meeting proves metaphorical for a lot of what I'm feeling in my life right now. I feel like I need to be more inspired and more inspirational. Like I never will be. Like I'll never be as smart or as passionate or as much of an individual or protect my beliefs by puffing out my chest in the face of their oppressors as you do. Like I'm not as captivating or enthralling or pretty or attractive or like my thoughts aren't as complex as yours and my emotions are of much less magnitude. These are my fears. But don't worry, these fears are healthy. When I was upset and I couldn't articulate why and you said sorry sorry I made you upset I told you no it was good, it was healthy. My fears only drive me to be better. I am fascinated and in love with way I someday hope to be. Sometimes I'm sad that I am not accomplishing all I want to accomplish, all that others have already achieved, but I know in the back of my heart that I will get there. It took me longer than it took you and God I don't know why I didn't get there before but I think now is as good a time as ever so I'm ready.

All my fears have a rationality to them. Like the kind of fear you know it's okay to have and that you can comfort yourself out of. I'm scared of losing my identity, or rather never finding it, because I don't think I have all of it yet. It doesn't matter from where you get your ideas and your beliefs. All that matters is that you believe what is right is really right so strongly that you could pull your car over to the side of the road and put your face on the steering wheel and cry because you believe it so strongly and you won't be happy until everyone else in the world sees what you see. Once you feel this, the ideas and the beliefs you took from other people become yours. Beliefs can't be bought or sold. Anyone can take them and keep them at will, unless you keep them for the wrong reasons, like status or sex. I hate how fleeting thoughts are. Sometimes I feel like if I don't write it down I'll forget it and it'll never come back to me.

I needed to write tonight but my somebody else has my journal so I wrote here. Sorry it's so long. I didn't come up with the following, but I love it so much, and I hope it's okay that I put it in here. Love, Phoebe.

If we could only find the strength to turn around

to face the horizon and not be aware of the lengths of our shadows

If we could only find our misplaced hearts and put them back into our chests and LIVE.

I believe in love.

September 27

2009-09-28T22:56:00.001-07:00

I had a great time in New York. It's hard even to pinpoint why it was so fun. All I can say is that I should have written this entry when I was still there, because I started to forget how I was feeling as soon as the bus pulled into Umass. I was so happy to be home. I was so happy to be able to cross the street without fearing death by oncoming traffic, to see trees and walk on wet grass, to return to the comfort of my now-bedroom and lay down on my bed and look out the window and see, not miles of skyscrapers, but a half-occupied bike rack and a brick dorm building. New York City has always been foreign to me, but after spending three weeks in this confined yet immensly intriguing new world, I could have journeyed to a completely different space-time continuum. I know I made the right choice and I know I belong here. Even if it's going to take me a while to find myself, to find what I am passionate about and to practice it, I know that I will find it. I would love to go back to New York City and visit my friends again in a while. Maybe in December. I can imagine the chaos and the illumination and the thrill of the city will entice me again sometime soon. Until then however, I will revel in the intensely pleasurable experience of comfort and relief and happiness I have here.

September 26

2009-09-27T21:39:00.002-07:00

Best concert of my life. If you don't already listen to Why?, you should start now, they will enrich your existence.

September 25

2009-09-27T21:39:00.001-07:00

September 23

2009-09-23T22:09:00.001-07:00

Today was too hot. We watched "Little Dorrit" in my Literary Classics on Film class and I couldn't focus at all because I felt like my insides were melting. I brought a banana and ate it. Tomorrow I am going food shopping. I need to clean up my room. And read more Art History. Anthropology is my most interesting class. Today I learned that there is an extremely slight difference between the human sexes. A lot of animals have much greater differences like gorillas and cardinals. Boys and girls are almost the same. I'm hungry and when I chew these Honey Bunches of Oats my noise-canceling earphones amplify the noise louder than the music I'm listening to. The song of the day is "People" by Andrew Jackson Jihad.

September 22

2009-09-22T21:21:00.001-07:00

Today I felt sad because I have so much inspiration and willpower to be creative but for some reason I can't put it to action. I wanted to go to Amherst to buy zines and read them and get inspiration but I kind of knew that wasn't going to happen so I took out my journal in Astronomy, my most boring class, and started to write. I didn't have any plan of what to write but what ended up on the page was a list of my fears. I don't want to write them here even though I've already shared them with some people, but I will write one. The fear is fear that I wasn't meant to create art. I did write a poem today though, and it's the first poem I've ever written not for an assignment, which really means it's my first poem ever written. I'm not very proud of it. I already let three people read it, which I kind of regret because I need to learn to keep some of my writing private. I don't think I would include this poem in an anthology my poems created after my death. People say there are no rules to poetry and you don't need to know how to write them to write them but I disagree. I'm so afraid that after I write my words and call it finished, I won't know for sure if I put them like that because it felt right or because that's what I thought it was supposed to look like. Do you know what I mean?

I feel like I'm not doing enough here: like there is so much to take advantage of and I'm going to miss something important. But at the same time I'm learning so much about myself, what interests me, and what I value in other people. I miss everyone a lot! I'm seeing some of my friends this weekend and I'm really excited. I know the dynamic will be different but not that much different. It was really warm out today. I thought it was going to rain but it never did. I'm glad I found a way out of my temporary blogging/ writing slump. I think it was reading old literary magazines in my Writing Butterfield Journal class that inspired it. Maybe I'll write another poem before I fall asleep.

Depends on if I can find my musical words or not.

September 21

2009-09-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life at this moment in time is in a sort of suspended animation that results from being stuck in between seasons. This is especially distressing to me because this is one of the two seasonal changes of the year that brings me discomfort. Today was so beautiful and I sat on the hill with some friends and pursued "hippie freshman" activities, or so deemed by the bro who drove by and yelled out the window. To clarify, hippie freshman activities are playing guitar, taking pictures, and writing in journals. I wrote in two journals. One was my real journal, which I attempted to keep regularly at the beginning of this year and failed miserably. The other is the memo pad in this picture. I carry it in my pocket and it's almost half finished. I can't stop the wordflow; it's my new habit. It was never apparent to me how many meaningless phrases float through my head until I had somewhere to write them. Some of the phrases are not meaningless, and they go in the notebook too.

Quote of the day, shared with my by my dad:

"Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower."

-Camus

If only the passing into October was like that into June.

September 20

2009-09-21T19:56:00.001-07:00

Fall is in the air.

September 19

2009-09-19T23:51:00.001-07:00

I have nothing to say, at all. Today is Rosh Hashanah.

When we're on different sides of the globe

I thought we'd keep our veins tangled

like a pair of mic cables

And if there ain't enough slack to reach

then we'd solder them together

across oceans they'd stretch

September 18

2009-09-18T20:17:00.001-07:00

I'm home! It feels weird to be here because I was just becoming accustomed to living somewhere else. Now I'm a vagabond, traveling without a seatbelt on. Returning home gave me a strong sense of nostalgia of whose type was foreign because it was nostalgia for something I haven't yet experienced. I can't wait for the feeling this winter break when I drive home in the snow and when I enter my house the pellet stove is warm and my mom is cooking dinner and somebody has to dry off Stella because she went out in the snow. And maybe I'll listen to "Listening to Otis Redding At Home During Christmas" by Okkervil River, because it's about returning to the comforts of home after being absent for a while, and I'll hang out with my high school friends and I'll love them as much as I always did but I'll know that I'm only a part of their lives now, not the whole of it. Coming home reminded me of this feeling, that I'll have someday, probably soon. The word "nostalgia" always makes me think of snow for some reason.

Falling out of touch with all my

friends are somewhere getting wasted,

hope they're staying glued together,

I have arms for them

September 17

2009-09-18T20:15:00.001-07:00

Thursdays are exciting

September 15

2009-09-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

Today after dinner I went to this kind of reclusive grove of maple trees with some of my friends. The trees were wide and strong and beautiful and it was that time of the day where the light on everything drives you crazy. I forgot my camera though, and this is a cell phone picture. Shoot me. It was just too pretty to not be picture of the day.

I bought a little notepad, about three inches wide. I'm going to carry it around in my back pocket and write down the stray thoughts I never know what to do with. So far I filled two pages with such nonsense that I already forgot what most of it means. I'm excited for tomorrow because I have my two favorite classes. I'm also starting to look forward to going home this weekend. It's only for one night; I wouldn't want to stay away for longer. But that's enough time to sit in my room completely alone, and just sit there, doing nothing, alone, just sitting. I miss that kind of thing here.

On another note, today was maybe the first time I felt really like this is my home. I've heard a lot of people compare what college feels like to a dreamworld or just a really elaborate summer camp. Both are really fun of course, but neither lasts too long. I hate my bed and my Lit class, and I love mostly everything else.

The song of the day is "Daylight" by Matt and Kim. The song of the day tomorrow and the day after that is also "Daylight" by Matt and Kim.

September 14

2009-09-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like all my pictures from Umass are either of people or of sunsets. Today was fun because I really enjoyed all my classes. First I had Art History which is my favorite class probably, and then Anthropology which was boring last week but was interesting and entertaining today. When I left the lecture hall I met Alex and Deana and Leah at the dining hall and on the way there the temperature was perfect and I texted my sister to say I was having a perfect college moment. I loved where I was. Later I had a new class called "Writing Butterfield Journal." It only has fifteen people and our first class was out on the lawn in front of Butterfield. The whole class is just designing, editing and choosing selections for the journal. At the end of the semester we have a release party. I'm on layout.

I'm writing this while sitting in the hallway with four of my friends. We're all on our laptops. After I finish this I'm going to join them in a music swap. College, if nothing else, leads to good music.

The song of the day is "Daylight" by Matt & Kim.

September 13

2009-09-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

To anyone who looks at my facebook, sorry you've already seen these photos.

Also sorry that I haven't blogged in a couple of days! I had a tumultuous, for lack of a better word, weekend. I'm feeling weird right now. It's because I literally haven't been alone, save for showering, since Friday. And not much before that either. I miss my alone time, but at the same time, I love living here so I shouldn't complain.

I promise to be a better blogger this week.

September 12

2009-09-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

September 11

2009-09-13T20:42:00.001-07:00

September 10

2009-09-11T06:23:00.001-07:00

If you'll excuse the cliche, I love college.

September 9

2009-09-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

Today was 9/9/09 and that is apparently a really big deal. Except I think 10/10/10 will be better but who knows. I had fun today and I like being here a lot. It's two o'clock in the morning and I stayed up talking to various people. Deana and I walked through every floor and said hi to people and hung out in their rooms. Today I had my worst moment so far of college but it really wasn't that bad. I had a class from six thirty to nine that consists solely of watching a film adaptation of a literary classic. Tonight it was Jane Austen's Emma. It was okay I guess, it was mostly Gwenyth Paltrow being strange and Toni Collette being ugly. When I left the class, I was so hungry, maybe more so than I've ever been ever, and the main dining hall was closed. So I had to go to a really faraway one and while I walked there I thought about how my mom tells me never to walk alone at night. Don't worry Mom, there were lots of people around, and also I took my key out of my backpack and held it in my hand in case I needed to stab someone in the eye. Then I had to eat alone. But then I got a banana, and I put the peel in the compost, so I felt better. And the night went uphill from there.

Also today I had two other classes. Art history, which seems so long ago. Was that even today? And anthropology, for which my professor is actually insane. I went to the club fair with Alex and they gave us sorority flyers and the only clubs I signed up for were Amnesty International and Quidditch Club. The song of the day is "Jackie" by the New Pornographers.

Oh I almost forgot, I bought an "Indie Rock Coloring Book!" Amherst is so cool.

September 8

2009-09-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

Lanny said it best, college life is not conductive to bloggin'. My blog sucks lately, I apologize. Everything is so hectic and I just want to detail everything I do and every person I meet but that's not the point of this blog and we all know it.

I'm really grateful for meeting cool people. It seems like everyone I'm friends with is interesting or nice or has good taste in music or has weird or cool stories. I miss the feeling of being close to others though, and everyone I tell this to agrees and knows the feeling. I want to feel close to these new people but I know it will happen eventually and I don't feel the need to rush it. College is a completely different environment than high school. Maybe some of the people act the same, but never have I before experienced this ability to walk into the bedroom of a stranger, introduce myself, and become friends. It's liberating.

I woke up at six this morning, and when I looked out the window, all I saw was thick milky fog and absolutely none of my beautiful view was visible. It's not foggy today, so I think maybe that was a dream. The song of the day is "Muzzle of Bees" by Wilco. I haven't done that in a while.

Oh and I saw Chris Watt today. It was weird and nice to see a familiar face.

The sun gets passed from tree to tree,

Silently, and back to me

September 7

2009-09-07T21:50:00.001-07:00

I am sincerely enjoying my time at Umass. I love the independence and the feeling of managing my own schedule. I am much neater when I know no one else is cleaning up for me. I have a couple of good friends. Above is Deana. She is really sweet; she's the person I would go to if I wanted to have a long talk or if I was sad. Last night I was minutes away from sleep when Deana texted me saying, "Where you at i got studf 2 talk abou." So I lifted myself up from the comfort (or lack thereof, I have no mattress pad yet) of my bed and sat and talked with Deana for an hour. It was really nice because I didn't expect to have someone I can talk with about my life issues for a while. College days seem to have no end. Both nights I've been here I've gone back to my room, expecting to be done seeing people about three times only to go out again. Today I hung out in my new friend Alex's room. We just sat there but she is really cool and it was somehow the best part of my day. Earlier I was going to Amherst to see Adam with Deana, Leah and Emily. I met them all at orientation and spent most of today with them, napping, listening to music, and aimlessly walking around campus. Before we left for the movie Alex walked by so invited her, and that's how we became friends.

This blog is going to be cut short because I just got invited into this room and am now hanging out with three drunk people. Drunk people are funny and nice.

September 6

2009-09-06T21:51:00.001-07:00

This is Laura, my roommate. She is sleeping right above my head right now. That's kind of weird, I feel like I am being rude by typing. Our room is really nice and everyone loves it. I won't say much now because I don't want to wake Laura up. I think I am going to start getting in the habit of blogging not-at-one-in-the-morning!

Oh, and so far, college is great!!

September 5

2009-09-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

My mom told me to go to bed at 12:15. Right now it's 12:51 which is almost the same thing except for a lot later and the minute numbers are reversed. Today was my last day at home before college. I'm really excited for tomorrow but I'm really sad to leave my family. I so often detail the pain involved in saying goodbye to and missing my friends in this blog. I don't really address enough how important the three members of my family are to me. Days like today I wonder how the two types of love can even compare to each other; I've lived with my family my entire life. My dad made me a goodbye video. It was an hour long and featured clips of video taken throughout my life, from the day I was born until my high school graduation. It was so great. He even put a Neutral Milk Hotel song in it! How did he know?

To my sister, you had it only half right in what you said. I am excited, yes. I might not have ever been this excited ever. But I can't boast confidence. I'm afraid that as soon as I am left alone at college tomorrow, I will recede into my naturally shy demeanor. The one I fought so hard to conquer until, I don't know, maybe a few years ago. I only wish I was as confident about entering this new phase as I am about the fact that my relationship with you and with our parents will always remain as strong, if not stronger, as it is now. Friends come and go but family never leaves you alone as long as they're not too old to walk or get on a plane and fly across the country to bother you :)

My dad once told me a great quote, and I don't remember its exact wording but I remember the point. The quote was along the lines of, "the only constant thing in life is change." It's a really simple thought but one surprisingly oft forgotten. I guess the thing to remember, is that if you don't like the way things are, you can rest assured that they're going to be a lot different soon. Trust me, I know this to be true.

September 4

2009-09-04T22:32:00.001-07:00

I packed today and that's all. Wait no it's not, I went out to lunch with my Dad and we signed me up for a new bank. Liz came home to visit this weekend, and she gave me the most thoughtful birthday present ever. It's a book made on the computer of pictures from our high school years. It is really well made and I can't wait to show it to all my friends at college so they can see how classy and attractive my high school friends are. The song of the day is "Oh, Susquehanna" by Defiance, Ohio. Tomorrow is my last day on 83 Laurelwood Road. I hope it's a good one, or at the very least I hope no birds fly into the windows and die.

And I wonder, what did they do with the bodies?

September 3

2009-09-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

This is Zippy. Tonight my neighbors, Val and Barry, invited my family over for dinner in celebration of my going to college. Emily and I felt strange in their house because we spent so much time there as kids, and to return was a reminder of our childhood. We used to ring the doorbell everyday and either Val and Barry would bring us juice boxes. Sometimes they would bring us orange and banana flavor, and we hated that one. We couldn't drink it but we didn't tell them to be polite. Then we squirted them out in the bushes and went back for another juice box the next day. We haven't been over for dinner in maybe three years but it felt the same as it always did before. They made me a cake and gave me fuzzy socks and stationary, which are two things I really needed but are too decadent to buy myself.

I'm feeling kind of like a bad person and I'm afraid I won't believe anyone who tells me otherwise. Maybe I look good on the outside but they don't know me like I know me and I'm bad. I'm so scared to leave, two days. But at the same time, if I left any later, I'd be crazy.

It's weird to feel like you miss home before you're really gone.

September 2

2009-09-02T22:23:00.001-07:00

This is packing, but really only about five minutes of it. I'm sick of being a boring blogger. All I listened to all day today was Sufjan Stevens. But the song of the day is "A Better Son/ Daughter" by Rilo Kiley. Tonight I drove to Lauren's house and I drove through an actual cloud. I know it was a cloud because suddenly I couldn't see anything and was surrounded by heavy fog on all sides. And when I got through it I parked the car and looked behind me and there it was, an actual cloud, in the middle of Princeton, and I had just driven through it. This was the first cloud I've met firsthand other than on a mountain or on a plane.

Most days, I have a habit of making mental notes of noteworthy occurrences so I can later write about them here. I did that today once, and it was when I exited the basement door of my house and there were no lights on, and when I stood on the green indoor-outdoor welcome rug outside, I felt its wrinkles with my feet and I feared for a second or two that I was standing on an animal Stella might have killed. I wasn't, but it reminded me that my entire life, whenever I stand on this welcome mat and it is dark and I can feel the wrinkles with my feet, I am afraid it might be a dead animal, mostly because one time it was one.

That's it.

September 1

2009-09-01T21:01:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it's September! This is the worst thing that's happened all day. Summer is over and soon my seasonal depression is going to kick in. Really, this is awful. I feel like summer went by so quickly. I don't even remember it. That's not true. Tomorrow my sister starts school. It's weird that my summer is longer than hers on both ends. We just watched 28 Days Later and it was really great! Not quite as scary as we hoped, but it made up for that by being a really excellent movie. I'm starting to feel self-conscious about the monotony of this blog. Most people who are reading this are in college and probably have more things in their lives than one movie per day and not much else. The song of the day is "The Electric Version" by the New Pornographers. Oh, and I started As I Lay Dying. Reminds me of the Grapes of Wrath, I like it a lot.

Sorry my life is still boring!

August 31

2009-08-31T23:44:00.001-07:00

This week Steve and I are hanging out and watching movies everyday. Today we watched Watchmen. I liked it a lot, though I must say it was made more enjoyable by our nonsensical jokes that no one else finds funny and are possibly offended by. We also had dinner with my parents, drank wine, and video chatted with various friends who are in college right now and whose lives are completely foreign to us. In a way, Steve and I are the last ones to savoring our childhoods. While our friends have moved on and are adjusting to their new lives, we remain stuck in this old one, feeling not quite like we belong in it but also certain we don't yet belong in the future. It's a sort of suspended animation. We're still eating food cooked by our moms and we have nothing to be worried about or unsettled by. While we mock our situations and look forward to next week with eager anticipation, it would be a lie to say we aren't having fun. I'm not doubting that I'll enjoy college, but it will be nice to look back on this week in the future and remember feeling completely comfortable and content sitting on my parents' couch with Steve, laughing until we can't breathe over a joke I don't even remember now.

The song of the day is "Effigy" by Andrew Bird.

August 30

2009-08-30T22:03:00.001-07:00

Today I did nothing for the majority of the day, and then I packed a little bit. I realized I have a lot less to pack than I thought I did. I thought I was going to need a Uhaul but turns out a car is going to suffice. I tried to make a bulletin board for my dorm. I gathered a couple pictures I had laying around including one of Lanny, Michela and me we took at a mall photobooth in December during a blizzard. Actually it was Michela's birthday. The point is, I was bad at organizing the bulletin board and gave up. I don't really have the decorator gene and I predict my dorm room to be an assortment of arbitrary colors and patterns and a lot of blank space. Later, Steve and Lauren came over and we watched Adventureland. We also video chatted Kathryn and Kelsey and Michela. Video chatting is so much fun and the best. Wow, I just did a blog recap of my day, didn't I. A blogcap if you will. Blogcat.

I think the hardest transition for me going into college is going to be wearing articles of clothing to sleep that are presentable to the public. Meaning that now I sleep in XL nightgowns from my grandmother, and soon I'm going to have to wear matching Aerie ensembles and act like nothing's weird about it. The song of the day is "Pale Blue Eyes" by the Velvet Underground. I need a haircut.

August 29

2009-08-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up at eight thirty and it felt like the earliest I had been awake all summer. It wasn't at all, I've woken up at six fifty every farmland day, but something about the combination of dark cold and rainy made me feel like I was getting up for the first day of high school. It was awful. There couldn't be much worse than going to high school after already having been at high school for four years. Good thing most people don't have to do that.

Kathryn picked me up and we drove to have a send-off breakfast for Lanny and Michela. I'm going to miss them both a lot. Their personalities are huge presences in my life, they both just have an ability to attract friendships. I started getting really excited for both of them, partially because they're moving to New York City but mostly just because they're going to college. Did I mention I'm ready?

Kathryn gave me a bracelet that says "Foxy B" and my mom liked it and called me a Foxy B. I pointed out to her what Foxy B meant, but it did little to alter her already formed opinion. Today I wore a sweatshirt and socks. I hate winter. This better not have been it for hot weather of 2009. I think I have seasonal affective disorder.

Oh the song of the day is "Gotholympians" by Andrew Bird. I dedicate this song of the day to Kelsey, who gave me "Fingerlings." I listened to this album today when it was raining hard and I played it really loud on my laptop and put on that visualizer thing that makes cool colors and designs and I just stared at it and thought about how much I like music.

August 28

2009-08-28T22:42:00.001-07:00

I hope that no one at college gets an impression that I think I know how to play guitar because I certainly do not. I don't really know what to say right now. Most of my friends are gone now, and I'm ready to leave! It feels irrelevant to be here. I will probably feel this even stronger tomorrow.

It's raining a lot here. I guess a couple weeks of sunshine are all we're alloted these days, but no complaints, rain is cleansing.

The song of the day is "A Song for You" by Alexi Murdoch.

August 27

2009-08-27T22:43:00.001-07:00

Sorry about my hiatus. I misplaced my memory card, and without a picture, I couldn't bring myself to blog. It made me really distressed. Blogging has become sort of a habit for me, I've done it almost every day this year. This picture is of the top of Mt. Wachusett. I don't like how little time it takes to drive up to the summit. It completely degrades Wachusett's right to stand above humans. I remember being so upset at the tourists I encountered when I climbed Mt. Washington. There I was, in achievement of perhaps the greatest feat of my life to date, and these people were smothering my accomplishment in a cloud of exhaust from their SUVs. Mountains, in the grand scheme of things, deserve to be taller than people.

I miss my friends. It feels weird that I'm still here and I'm still hanging out with people; shouldn't I be at school already? I've been feeling more and more excited lately, and at the same time, I am really going to miss this bed. I think with every goodbye - about two a day now - I am more and more ready to leave. Today I thought I was dying. Not in a melodramatic way though, I just silently was preparing myself for the possibility of death. When I woke up I felt incredibly dizzy. This isn't too out of the ordinary for me, but when my neck started feeling stiff and in pain, paranoia encroached and I quietly convinced myself that I had contracted bacterial meningitis and was going to die. And the saddest damn thing was, during the time I was dying, which was only about an hour, I couldn't focus on anything except the fear of it all. I tried to enjoy the little life I had left, tried to pay close attention to the way my house smells or the sunlit green forest in my back yard, but my mind kept reverting back panicking over my oncoming doom. I hope that on the day I actually am dying, and no one likes to think about this, I can't help but obsess over the beauty of everything, everywhere around me. If I think about it that way, then it doesn't seem so much like something to fear.

All I listened to all day was Sufjan Stevens Christmas songs. There's nothing like Christmas in August. I don't even know what that last sentence meant. Christmas in July or June would be pretty similar to Christmas in August. Anyways, the song of the day is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" by some traditional artist, revised by Sufjan Stevens.

I'm back!

August 24

2009-08-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning at 9 my sister and I are having done a professionally taken photo of ourselves. I don't know why, and this fact just occurred to me. I still can't stop listening to Neutral Milk Hotel. What's worse, I can't stop playing Neutral Milk Hotel on the guitar, and I'm still really bad at guitar. I'm starting to think they might just be an illusion. I mean it would make sense. They only existed as a band for a very short time, wrote an incredibly beautiful album mostly about something that happened half a century earlier, and then fell off the face of the planet. Also, what does "Neutral Milk Hotel" mean? Makes no sense unless you try really hard, like one of Kathryn's poems. See, they must be an illusion.

Having a laptop for the first time is dangerous because it guarantees that I can just be on the computer any time I want in any place I want. I'm hungry. Goodbyes are coming every day now. Maybe I'll develop a sort of shield that prevents me completely from being affected by sadness and missing people. Actually I'm pretty sure that already exists, but I can't think of what its called right now.

If you wanted to know, I found Krazy glue and now my broken shards are glued together. So the finished product looks decent, if not nice, at least for now. The song of the day is "Like Dylan in the Movies" by Belle and Sebastian, even though I really wanted it to be "Holland 1945" by Neutral Milk Hotel.

August 23

2009-08-24T10:54:00.001-07:00

This is a view from the parking of Farmland, right before a storm. It mostly rains at Farmland right after I'm done working so it doesn't close and I don't get to leave early. I told my boss it's my last week of work and she hugged me and gave me two coupons for Papa Gino's which are two very unexpected actions.

Today was a long, sad day. I said goodbye to Liz and then later I picked up the phone to call her and see what she was doing and when the realization hit me it was a long and sad one. I've been re-appreciating the beauty of "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" for like the fifth time. It's some of the only music with the power to make me cry at its lyrics. The song of the day is "Two Headed Boy Part 2." Maybe this song, the beautiful sublimity of thunderstorm clouds, not being able to talk about it, and saying goodbye to my best friend, is what made me feel so simultaneously heavy and empty today. I think I'll remember it for a while.

When you make a mistake that breaks something you have to pick up the pieces and arrange them back the way they were, and try to glue them or hold them in position or whatever makes them look most like they looked before. No matter how hard you try to put them back there will still be fault lines that serve as reminders of being broken. But even with fault lines, which are rather unsightly, it's better than if they were splayed out and shattered on the floor, and when you walked by them you didn't pick them up but just meticulously placed your steps so you didn't step on any and cut yourself.

Groping blindly in the dark, how do I know what is the right and what is the mistake?

August 22

2009-08-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

A beautiful day filled with nature and water and mistakes and love.

In my dreams you're alive and you're crying
As your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet
Rings of flowers around your eyes and I'll love you
For the rest of your life

August 21

2009-08-21T21:53:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is Liz's last day home. It's hard, impossible in fact, for me to accept that I only have one more day with my best friend before we separate for who knows how long. It would be easier if I was leaving too, but I still have what feels like so much time here. And I don't really know what to do with it other than devote time and energy on mental scenarios of what college will be like. I'm getting sick of all this waiting and guessing. I just want to know what it's really going to be like.

Farmland wasn't so bad today because I fed the park with Anna Chase and it sucked up three of the hardest hours of the day. It's amazing how fast time goes by when you're talking to another farmer, granted they're not stupid and when they talk to you they look at you instead of past you with their eyes glazed over. I like Anna. I gave a pony ride to a five year old boy named Max. Max was pretty average looking except for circular glasses that magnified his eyeballs to look approximately 1.5 times their size. So Max wasn't really that average looking, actually. As our pony ride commenced I begun firing my run-of-the-mill questions;

What's your name?

Max.

How old are you Max?

My bathing suit has two ties.

That's awesome. What does it look like?

It's green. And with black stripes and white stripes.

Oh, cool. Is green your favorite color?

No, every color is my favorite.

The whole rainbow?

Yeah. Except not pink.

Why not pink?

It's too pinky.

At that moment in time I realized it would have been so satisfying if I had made hearing the word "pinky" my goal of that day. Today there was a tornado watch and I couldn't find my iPod so there is no song of the day unless you count what I listened to on the radio, which was Alanis Morissette.

August 20

2009-08-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

This is my first time blogging on my new laptop. It's so cool, I've never been on the internet in my bedroom before. Today I saw 500 Days of Summer. I can't remember the last time I identified so much with a movie. It was really well filmed and the whole way through I kept thinking how important its message was. I guess you just have to see it to know what I'm talking about.

I don't really have much else to say right now. I'm feeling kind of emotionally numb.

Yet on the other hand, there is happiness.

August 19

2009-08-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

I have devised a scale of levels that measure excitement for college. I go through various levels in one day and all my friends are at different levels. Here is the list:

10 - Extreme excitement, intense desire to be immediately at college and away from home

9 - Very happy and excited for the future

8 - Optimistic that college will be a good experience, once situated

7 - Aware of the highs and lows of college, but overly looking forward to it

6 - In a state of acceptance, exited but recognizing worries

5 - Dealing simultaneously with rational worries and flickers of excitement

4 - Optimistic demeanor fronts internal feelings of anxiety and sadness

3 - Worries consume thoughts, searching for positive aspects to college and finding little

2 - Morose outlook on life, possibly depressed

1 - Ultimate dread, clinically depressed, no reason to wake up in the morning

On an unrelated note, today was the first time all year I have had the pleasure of being hot and jumping into water to cool off. I'm usually just hot with no water or in water and cold. Today the lake was perfect and I felt the unburdened freedom of a day without plans, stretched out in front of me like untarnished white marble. I could do anything I want with it. Maybe it was so good because I know these days won't come around for much longer at all. It's bittersweet (I hate that word).

The song of the day is "Star Witness" by Neko Case. The falling of pieces on my chessboard of friends has begun, and I'm feeling the emptiness peering out at me from the edge of my periphery.

August 18

2009-08-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

My birthday! Now I'm an adult. All I can say is that I am shocked and flattered by the consideration and love that my friends routinely spill forth to me. The words "thank you" pale in comparison to my real feelings of gratitude, which of course cannot be explained through language and thus will only ever be fully known to me. It is absolutely wonderful to feel loved, and most especially by people whom you love in return so greatly that it hurts to imagine a time where you will be without them.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you! I love all of you!

August 17

2009-08-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

I meant to blog before I turned eighteen so I could document my last day of being seventeen, which was by coincidence, the seventeenth. Seventeen on the seventeenth and eighteen on the eighteenth, as I pointed out to my disinterested coworkers at Farmland today. I love my birthday. Unfortunately that is something to be ashamed of since nobody likes to hear you talk about yourself all day even if it is your birthday. Tonight when we waited for the clock to strike midnight on the sidewalk of Shrewsbury Street it was the most perfect temperature and my mom texted me saying, "18 years ago tonight you started being born." How nostalgic. Now I'm ready for my birthday of the year oh nine. The song of the day is "Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene. I'm listening to it right now with Liz, and she is leaning her head back on the chair.

Bleachin' your teeth, smilin' flash, talking trash, under my window

August 16

2009-08-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

Today when I came home after spending ten hours at Farmland and forty minutes driving, I ran a cold shower and sat down on the floor of the tub under the water and stayed there until I stopped feeling insufferably hot. What a long day. I tried to fit as many chicks as I could in one hand and show them to little kids and tell them it was one chick with multiple heads. I learned a cool fact about chicks. If you turn them over on their backs they instantly fall asleep. I don't understand this at all but I tried it all day. Also my throat hurts.

The song of the day is "By Torpedo or Crohn's" by Why?. My iPod tape adapter is in Steve's grandfather's car so when I drove home today I had the option of listening to the Fray on the radio or nothing. So I listened to nothing and rolled the windows down and the breeze did relative wonders for my aching head. I think between the hours of six and eight on hot summer nights are my favorite hours of any time of year. Everything is so colorful and beautiful. I wanted so badly to document how great the world felt for a couple minutes tonight, driving through fields in Princeton and Sterling. But I knew photography wouldn't do it justice, unless somebody invented a kind of photography that captured temperature and smells. I don't want to go back to that place ever again. But I'm going to.

Only evil live to see their own likeness in stone

(my brother said that)

August 15

2009-08-15T22:07:00.001-07:00

My day was filled with productive pursuits. I think I found closure with a lot of people today. Liz and I and Abby and Abi re-united our "foursie" for the last time before college. We had to say goodbye to Abi Wilson and everything started to hit me hard. I thought I had a lot more time to say goodbye. Next week even more goodbyes will start filtering in. My dad is painting the deck red. Before we had our new deck, we had an old one that looked exactly like it only it had been chewed up by carpenter ants. It was painted this same rust color and when I see our new deck painted red, it might remind me of the way things were. I have two more days of being seventeen.

The red isn't the red we painted it's

just

rust

August 14

2009-08-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

My internet broke so I am writing this from today, which on August 14 was tomorrow, if you know what I mean. I thought I didn't remember what I did on this day, but turns out I can remember with remarkably little effort. I went to Farmland and stood in direct sunlight during the hottest hours of the day and subsequently had a headache until I went to sleep that night. I also swam out to the dock on Steve's lake and talked with Liz and Steve for an hour. Last winter, when I imagined the end to this summer, I imagined partaking in many one-on-one talks with my close friends, perhaps for closure. I imagined them occurring on swinging benches outside of houses. Most of my friends don't have swinging benches, but I think my prediction was otherwise correct. Things are starting to wind down around here.

August 13

2009-08-13T21:43:00.001-07:00

Today was a completely fun and non-regrettable day at the beach. For some reason I only go to the beach when it's cloudy; this may be because it is cloudy way more often than sunny. But it was perfect today because it cleared up and the blue sky said hi to us and we swam in the water and fell asleep on the sand and bought candy and drove home and laid around and then went bowling. Now I am making a list of things to buy for college which is becoming a list of things I use in my everyday life. I just realized I am still pretty sandy, woops. Tomorrow I'm working at Farmland half the day, I hope my boss doesn't get mad at me. The song of the day is "A Wish" by Gregory & the Hawk. I like being with my friends. I wish I had more time with them.

August 12

2009-08-12T23:03:00.001-07:00

You know that summer's on the outs when the thought of winter isn't cringe-worthy anymore. Not to say I'm excited or anything. Tomorrow we're going to the beach and it's going to be really fun. I realize that this is the last week of summer that all of my friends are still here. Next week, they start to filter away one by one. I will be the last one at home. Even my sister starts school before I do. I'm going to feel like the only one left alive. Depressing. Anyways, it's my birthday next Tuesday. Every year my birthday is after all my friends have already had theirs, so it's not even a big deal when I become one year older. This year is cool because I'll be 18 on the 18th. Today Liz showed me all the stuff she bought for college and it made me excited to start writing a list. I would do it now if I wasn't already going to bed. The song of the day is "Wasted & Ready" by Ben Kweller.

My throat hurts weird. Stella lost three pounds, which doesn't seem noteworthy until you consider that it was one fourth of her total weight.

August 11

2009-08-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

I love weather. Today I did a lot of pointless endeavors. I went to get my third Gardisil shot only to learn that it was actually two weeks too early, and then I went to the Verizon store, hated every phone available to replace my sick and dying one, and left. The song of the day is "So Everyone" by Bonnie "Prince" Billy.

At home I napped on the living room couch for three hours. I had bizarre and vivid dreams. In the most predominant one, I was holding a large gathering in my driveway in the middle of an intense rainstorm. I decided to drive my car down the driveway and into the carport, with Zach Kent in the passenger seat. As I drove the length of the driveway, I lost control of the car and it lumbered off the pavement and onto the dirt and brush on the left side. Moving slowly like a grazing animal, the car completed a series of revolutions, sliding on the watery earth. But we weren't worried. We casually went through the motions of using the emergency break and shifting gears, both aware that the car would continue to move through air and earth and water and would eventually drive off the steep drop at the end of my driveway. And we both knew that ultimately, we would be okay. When we finally approached the drop, we proposed to each other the idea of jumping out. As wheels touched the ground for the last time and the massive mechanic animal tipped over the edge of the earth, Zach and I fell out of its doors and tumbled gracefully and slowly into the ethereal and waterlogged forest, luminous under the sunlight. The painful impact we could have encountered never came and we had no fear of being hurt or even of dying. Immediately before I woke up, I left my arms and legs and hands below me, on the ground, as I thrust towards heaven my chest and heart, opened my mouth and eyes, and drank in the sunlight that bursted through the bright wet evergreens.